Joke of the Day

[tinker]

Yeah, Gearloose It bought a tear to me eye, the other one was black and swollen from the hit me missus gave me when I read it to her. 

[diesel]

The Costume Party

A couple was invited to a swanky costume party.  Unfortunately, the wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.  He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.  So he took his costume and away he went.
 
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early enough, decided to go the party.

Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.  She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little touch here and a little kiss there.
 
His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived.  She let him go as far as he wished... Naturally, (since he was her husband.)
 
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed.  So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.
 
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.....
 
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had.
 
He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
 
"Did you dance much?"
 
"You know, I never even danced one dance.  When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Browning and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening... But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to..."

diesel 

[diesel]

ENJOY BEING AN AUSSIE!
   
Just imagine...
 
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Qantas one year ago,
You would have $49.00 today!
 
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago,
You would have $33.00 today.
 
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in  Lehman Brothers  one year ago,
You would have $0.00 today.
 
But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all
The beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund,
You would have received $214.00.
 
Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.
 
A recent study found that the average Aussie walks about 900 miles a
Year. Another study found that Aussies drink, on average, 22 gallons of
Alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Aussies get about 41 miles
To the gallon!
 
Makes you damned proud to be an Aussie!

diesel 

[mehoose]

AHAHA. PMSL guys.

[llarson]

   The  way gas prices are going up here, I think I'll give it a try, more walking and lots more beer.

[diesel]

Because I Am A Bloke

This is a public service message for Women to better understand the Bloke.

· Because I'm a bloke, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. The RACQ is not an option. I will win.

· Because I'm a bloke, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the bonnet and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another bloke shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer and break wind as a form of Holy Communion.

· Because I'm a bloke, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.

· Because I'm a bloke, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism. (FYI fellas: cumin is a spice, apparently, and not a bodily function).

· Because I'm a bloke, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

· Because I'm a bloke, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).....applies to engineers mainly.

· Because I'm a bloke, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always sex, cars, or football. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.

· Because I'm a bloke, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come and visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.

· Because I'm a bloke, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't....and if you are feeling amorous afterwards...then I will certainly remember the name and recommend it to others.

· Because I'm a bloke, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

· Because I'm a bloke, and this is, after all, the year 2012, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest...... like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.

diesel 

[steveo]

Diesel, I must be a Bloke, all those remind me of me. Great work.

Steve

[mehoose]

  don't think I need to say anything. 

[tinker]

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Rafferty
The Father said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't you Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer husband two years ago?"

She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father"

The Father asked, "And be there any wee ones yet?"

She replied, "No, not yet, Father."

The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer husband."

She replied, "Oh , thank ye, Father."  They parted ways.

Some years later, they met again. The Father asked, "Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye

 these days?"

She replied, "Oh, very well Father. "

The father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?"

Mrs Donovan replied, "Oh, yes Father, Three sets of twins and four singles, 10 children"

The Father said, "That's wonderful! How is yer loving husband doing?"

Mrs Donovan replied, "E's gone to Rome, Father, to blow out that damn candle!."

[diesel]

I finally found it - the book on how to understand women (the abridged version).

diesel 

[attachment deleted by admin]

[tinker]

  We are often critical of the younger generation and the way they behaviour and the things that influence their lives, Its a wonder we didn't turn out any better when.....

We watched Tarzan perform semi naked on TV every afternoon,

 Cinderella arrived home after midnight, Pinocchio told lies,
 Aladdin was a thief,
Batman drove over 200 miles per hour in the Batmobile and was never stopped by the cops,
 Snow White lived in a house with 7 single men,
 Popeye smoked a pipe and had tattoos,
 Pac Man ran around to digital music while popping pills that enhanced his performance
Shaggy and Scooby Doo were mystery solving hippies that always had the munchies

.  AND finally, Bill and Ben the Flower Pot men were always looking for weed.  The fault is not mine!!!!

[Klingon]

I finally found it - the book on how to understand women (the abridged version).

diesel 

Thats just the list of contents !!!

[mehoose]

Nah man, that's the prelude..or is it preface... nah it's the Acknowledgements.
look, it's my right, no, prerogative, to change my mind!

LOL, B & B should've hooked up with Puff the magic dragon tinker.

[Gearloose]

For that special evening on an Italian Cruise

[Gearloose]

A distraught senior citizen
          phoned her doctor's office.
          "Is it true," she wanted to know,
          "that the medication
          you prescribed has to be taken
          for the rest of my life?"
          "'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her.
          There was a moment of silence
          before the senior lady replied,
          "I'm wondering, then,
          just how serious is my condition
          because this prescription is marked
          'NO REFILLS'."