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Author Topic: Joke of the Day  (Read 303978 times)

Jamo

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #540 on: January 12, 2015, 12:48:19 PM »
Nothing ever happens in South Australia.
I heard that South Australia is proof that Tasmanians can swim  8)
Baaa humbug, not enough fossicking time!

Bucket

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #541 on: January 12, 2015, 03:00:36 PM »
Not sure why they would want to swim there though.....
Common sense isn't exactly common

Jamo

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #542 on: January 12, 2015, 03:58:14 PM »
Not sure why they would want to swim there though.....
I think they may have been heading for Victoria!
Baaa humbug, not enough fossicking time!

dughug

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #543 on: January 15, 2015, 05:52:08 PM »

Would this never happen in Glen Innes ?????????


A big shot lawyer had to spend a couple of days in the hospital.

 He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have  anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."  This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing.....

After about 20 minutes, the man's doctor came into the room.

"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confessed..... "Not with a Daffodil."


JudyC

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #544 on: January 15, 2015, 07:39:48 PM »
Chuckle, chuckle, chuckle.
Cheers
Judy

nssian

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #545 on: January 16, 2015, 01:59:15 PM »
I retold that one and it certainly got a laugh. Just put in the name of your least favourite grumpy boss & it is even funnier :-)
Night Sky Secrets
Astronomy the fun and easy way

dughug

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #546 on: January 26, 2015, 10:42:23 AM »
Australia Computer Terminology - Getting ready for Broadband in the bush!!

A little bit of Aussie culcha.

LOGON: Adding wood to make the barbie hotter.
LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the barbie.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the barbie.
DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the ute.
HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies.
KEYBOARD: Where you hang the ute keys.
WINDOWS: What you shut when the weather's cold.
SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season..
BYTE: What mozzies do
MEGABYTE: What Townsville mozzies do.
CHIP: A pub snack.
MICROCHIP: What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips.
MODEM: What you did to the lawns.
LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps.
SOFTWARE: Plastic knives and forks you get at Red Rooster.
HARDWARE: Stainless steel knives and forks - from K-Mart.
MOUSE: The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed.
MAINFRAME: What holds the shed up.
WEB: What spiders make.
WEBSITE: Usually in the shed or under the verandah.
SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the ute won't go.
CURSOR: What you say when the ute won't go.
YAHOO: What you say when the ute does go.
UPGRADE: A steep hill.
SERVER: The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
MAIL SERVER: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
USER: The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.
NETWORK: What you do when you need to repair the fishing net.
INTERNET: Where you want the fish to go.
NETSCAPE: What the fish do when they discover a hole in the net.
ONLINE: Where you hang the washing.
OFFLINE: Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren't strong enough.

dughug

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #547 on: January 28, 2015, 06:49:34 PM »
Some definitions to ponder-

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
 
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
 
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
 
4. esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
 
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
 
6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
 
7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
 
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
 
9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
 
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
 
11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
 
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
 
13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
 
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
 
16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men

dughug

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #548 on: February 15, 2015, 04:32:02 PM »
Rockhound & Lapidary T-Shirt Slogans :

* May the quartz be with you!

*Old lapidarians never die, they just recrystallize

*We Dig Mother Earth

*Follow me, I am looking for gold...

* Kiss a lapidarian and get your rocks off

*Lapidarians do it in the dirt

*Diamond saws are a girl’s best friend

*Be Daring - Cab It

*Ain’t nothin but a rock hound dog

*Trilobite Me

*We Will Rock You

*You’re a gem

*Rock Off

*I Dig Rocks

*I Dig Gold

*I Dig Fossils

*I Dig Crystals

*Lapidarians DIG The Dirt

*Lode Off My Mind

*I'm a lapidarian and I'm hung like a horst

*Lost a rock? I will find it for you

*Come Fossick With Me

*WARNING: Rockhound Going For Gold

*MAGMA

*Rock On

*I can make your bedrock.

colza

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #549 on: February 17, 2015, 08:58:17 AM »
Paddy phoned the Jetstar booking desk.
"Yes sir and how many will be flying with you?"
"How would I know. It's your bloody plane."
Anyway he's on the booked flight sitting next to a Muslim man.
Paddy ordered a whisky.
The hostie brought his drink and asked the Muslim man if he'd like one.
"I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than have alcohol pass my lips," he replied.
Paddy passed his whisky back. "Me too," he said. "I didn't know we had a choice."

Cheers,
colza
I dig it.

dughug

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #550 on: February 18, 2015, 06:53:33 PM »


"Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless."


A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location.  This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.

.. A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

.. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

.. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

.. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

.. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd  dye.

.. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

.. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

.. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

.. The batteries were given out free of charge.

.. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

.. A will is a dead giveaway.

.. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

.. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

.. When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.

.. Police were summoned to a day-care centre where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

.. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off?  He's all right now.

.. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

.. Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end.

drids

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #551 on: February 18, 2015, 09:14:25 PM »
NEVER  TRUST A CRICKETER"
Come  all ye fair young maidens and harken unto  me,
Never trust a cricketer, whoever he may  be.
Randier  than a sailor who's been six months at  sea,
Never let a cricketer's hand an inch  above your knee.

First  let's take the paceman, pure speed from  first to last,
My  darlings do be careful; his balls are hard and  fast.

Then  there's the medium pacer, his balls swing  either way;
He's really most persistent and  can keep it up all day!
And  watch for the off-spinner, girls, another  awkward chap.
If you leave him half an  opening, he will slip one through the  gap!
Then  there's the wily 'slowy', pure cunning is  his strength;
He'll tempt you, then he'll  trap you with his very subtle  length.
So  ladies, do be careful, your mothers would  agree.
Never trust a cricketer, whoever he  may be.
And  what about the opening bat, his struggles  never cease!
He has only one ambition, to  spend all day at the  crease.
The  number three is  a dasher, he seldom prods and pokes.
When he  goes into action, he has a fine array of  strokes..
And  do beware the slogger, not content with  one or two;
When he arrives at the crease  then only six will do.
Then  there's the real stonewaller, girls, he  knows what he's about;
And if you let him  settle in, it's hard to get him  out!
We  come now to the last man, I hope this  will not shock,
He doesn't mind if he's last  man in, as long as he gets a  knock.
So,  darlings, do be careful, and be well warned by  me:
Never trust a cricketer, whoever he may  be.
And  watch the wicketkeeper, girls, he's full  of flair and dash;
And if you raise your  heel, he'll whip them off in a  flash.
If  you take the field with the captain, you  had better know the score;
Or he'll have you  in positions that you never knew  before!
The  cricket commentator is  a nasty sort of bloke,
He watches all the  action and describes it stroke by  stroke.
Even  the kindly umpire, who looks friendly as  a pup;
You'll quickly find you've had it,  when he puts his finger  up!
So,  darlings, please remember and repeat it after  me:
“NEVER TRUST A CRICKETER, WHOEVER HE  MAY BE!!!!!”

MALACHI

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #552 on: February 18, 2015, 09:54:32 PM »
Very clever joke Drids, best I've read in a long time.  ;D ;)

Ghost

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #553 on: February 19, 2015, 09:44:34 AM »
Never heard of lexophiles.   These were always Puns to me.
Although, the cricketing ones could have bowled a maiden over.

Heres a piece of graffiti that has always puzzled me.

Forget the whales,
SAVE THE ENIGMA.

Talking about old forms of humour (which we weren't), whatever happened to the Limerick?
I haven't seen a new one in ages.
Heres one that is as old as Einstein.

There was a young lady from Bright,
Whose speed was faster than light.
She set out one day,
In a relative way,
And returned home the previous night!

JudyC

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #554 on: February 20, 2015, 11:38:40 PM »
The limerick's an art form complex,
Whose contents run chiefly to sex,
It's famous for virgins,
And masculine urgin's,
And vulgar erotic effects.

The limerick packs laughs anatomical,
Into space that is quite economical,
The good ones I've seen,
So rarely are clean,
And the clean ones so rarely are comical.

From a book called the Lure of the Limerick.
Cheers
Judy

 

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