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Author Topic: Joke of the Day  (Read 146190 times)

starsapphire78

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #675 on: May 17, 2017, 06:29:21 PM »
Very funny PC bowe

MakkyBrown

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #676 on: May 18, 2017, 01:07:06 PM »
QUEEN Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.
 
 Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.
 
 The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity".
 
 The Angel thanks Dolly and asks Her Majesty the same question.
 
 The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, and drinks it down.
 
 Then, pees into a toilet and pulls the lever.
 
 The Angel says, "ok, your Majesty, you may go in".
 
 Dolly is outraged and asked,"What was that all about, I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down.
 
 She pees into a toilet and she gets in!
 
 Would you explain that to me"?
 
 "Sorry, Dolly says the Angel, but even in Heaven
 
 A Royal Flush Beats a Pair No Matter How Big They Are".
We are a family of 4 from Southern Tasmania.

FlashGP

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #677 on: May 19, 2017, 07:34:48 PM »
Really good Makky, my wife even laughed.   You should e-mail that one to the Queen.
Yours Sincerely
Flash (Gordon)

Jamo

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #678 on: June 08, 2017, 08:01:21 PM »
My wife cried tears when she read this joke. I didn't think it humorous at all...


Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.
The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.
The directions said that:
a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and
a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
· The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
· My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching..
· My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
· I had no control over the drooling.
· Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
· I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!
Baaa humbug, not enough fossicking time!

tinker

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #679 on: June 08, 2017, 08:37:46 PM »
Funny Jamo, I was in the cops when the Tazers first come in, to qualify as part of the training to use them, you had to suffer the charge, be the guinea pig.  I tell you it was as the joke explains, biggest bloody charge I ever got. ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D hotthirsty

Bucket

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #680 on: June 09, 2017, 10:19:07 AM »
They said that to me as well Tinker along with a dose of capsicum spray, that was until I said 'well perhaps you should experience what getting shot with a .38 would feel like?'
Common sense isn't exactly common

Blocker

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #681 on: June 09, 2017, 12:29:47 PM »
I knocked on a neighbor's door the other day and she opened the door in her nightie, I thought that's a funny place for a door!

pegatha

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #682 on: June 10, 2017, 10:39:20 AM »
Jamo, that would have to be the best joke I have heard in a long time, Ken is still chuckling.  Blocker, when you open the door in your nightie you'd better have a tazer with you. ;D
Pegatha

MALACHI

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #683 on: June 10, 2017, 05:48:04 PM »
I'd have to agree with you Peg, best joke I've read in a long time too.

Jamo

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #684 on: June 10, 2017, 09:57:14 PM »
Jamo, that would have to be the best joke I have heard in a long time, Ken is still chuckling.  Blocker, when you open the door in your nightie you'd better have a tazer with you. ;D
Yes, my wife had tears laughing when I showed it to her. Frankly I think she is a bit sadistic laughing at some poor bloke who was a bit too 'curious'. My eyes water too ... just thinking about it!
Baaa humbug, not enough fossicking time!

Jamo

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #685 on: June 10, 2017, 10:24:13 PM »
I'VE BEEN BANNED FROM WOOLWORTHS
Yesterday I was at my local Woolworths store buying a large bag of My Dog dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10 kilograms before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with My Dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Woolworths.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.
Baaa humbug, not enough fossicking time!

pc bowe

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #686 on: June 11, 2017, 07:47:28 AM »
I learned two things today.
  • Canine cleanliness is disgusting.
  • DO NOT! Follow Jamo's dietary advice.

Jamo

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #687 on: June 11, 2017, 08:54:40 AM »
I learned two things today.
  • Canine cleanliness is disgusting.
  • DO NOT! Follow Jamo's dietary advice.
8)
Baaa humbug, not enough fossicking time!

Blocker

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #688 on: June 15, 2017, 08:16:46 PM »
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

Kemo Sabe "You dumber than buffalo poo. It tells you someone stole the tent."

Blocker

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #689 on: June 30, 2017, 08:25:50 PM »
I asked my mate how he was getting on with the new girlfriend?

He said she wanted to walk down the aisle.

I said " what are you going to do about that?"

He said he sent her grocery shopping.

 

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