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Saw this in a Say & Co Rural newsletter - no doubt they found it somewhere on the net but it raised a bit of a chuckle here:
"They once said that an African American man would be president when pigs fly. His first 100 days in office and wham! PIGS FLU."
Our house is full of sniffles at the moment - a week's quarantine would be restful but maybe a little inconvenient.
cheers
Andrew
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Haha Yep good ol swine flu.
Well you knew it was going to happen soon, what with a couple of movies out of Hollywood with an African American president.
Imprinting subliminally into the minds of the masses. So who runs Hollywood?
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Never heard of swine flu but have suffered wine flu many times!............however the missus says she suffers from 'swine' flu in the predominantly male household all the time. 8)
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:o :-X ;D
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Well you knew it was going to happen soon, what with a couple of movies out of Hollywood with a black president.
Imprinting subliminally into the minds of the masses. So who runs Hollywood?
Makes you wonder what Hollywood would suggest that Australia needs. No matter who gets voted in and out here in Australia, at least it is an easy process where there is no rioting in the streets. Something to be thankful for when we see what goes in in places like Burma and so on.
cheers
Leah
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You said it.
The Whitlam ending could have been much worse than it was.
Melbourne had a go with an Asian Mayor. Trouble was not many could understand what was being said.
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"They once said that a black man would be president when pigs fly. His first 100 days in office and wham! PIGS FLU."
:o :o :o :o PIGS FLU ;D ;D ;D ;D
I like it, that is soooooooooo funny.
Well not if you get swines flu :-X
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SWINE FLU
Apparently a nasty insidious bug that has caused a pandemic. So in my book it is a big negative (-)
Now I'm not one to let a negative get away scott free and will look for any way to turn it around into a positive (+) So here goes...................
If you are down on your luck and penniless, walk into a food hall and locate a group of people who appear to be the type who watch T.V.
Sit down amongst them and put on a coughing fit, when finished wipe your eyes and look at the one who appears most concerned and say.................
"Never had this cough before I went to South America last month"
You should then be able to have the choice of a number of unfinished dishes.
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You BAD 8)
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Oh my Goodness Shaker,
I have to say I really truely thing umm......THAT WOULD WORK :-X ;D
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Ssssssssh! it does. ::)
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If you are down on your luck and penniless, walk into a food hall and locate a group of people who appear to be the type who watch T.V.
People have already done that here without saying a word.
They just wear a "CANCUN" T Shirt.
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Swine Flu Update
I called the Swine Flu hotline … all I got was crackling
I heard that the first symptom is that you come out in rashers.
Another is that you get the trotts.
But, I woke up with pig tails this morning ... Should I be worried?
The doctor asked me how long I'd had the symptoms of Swine Flu. I siad it must have been about a Weeeeeeeeeeeeeek!
Apparently my mate's got Swine Flu, I think he's just telling porkies, though.
The only known cure for Swine Flu in humans has been found to be the liberal application of oinkment.
I hear there's now a sine flu as well. Someone on the news was going off on a tangent about it.
This little piggy went to market,
This little piggy stayed at home,
This little piggy had roast beef,
This little piggy had none.
And this little piggy had influenza A virus subtype hemagglutinin protein 1 neuraminidase protein 1
Swine flu, however, is not a problem for the pigs because they're all going to be cured anyway.
News Flash .... this just in. The world's religious leaders have issued a joint declaration that the Swine Flu pandemic is the start of
the aporkalypse.
Swine flu has now mixed with bird flu. Scientists say they will find a cure when pigs fly.
I just heard on the news that, "Swine Flu could potentially be a threat to every single person in the world". Well it’s a good thing I’m married then, isn’t it?
This is not a time for panic. It is no pig deal. It is a mild hamademic, don't believe the spam you're getting.
Feeling bored on the bus, train or Underground? Take out your mobile phone and
pretend to have a conversation with an imaginary caller all about
your recent holiday in Mexico. Hang up. Then sneeze...
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Hehehehe, good one Dooby. :D
Ham it up why don't ya. ;)
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I liked it, thought it was a pearler, I got it in email and thought I would share ;)
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Ha Ha Ha, just loved this ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D beers
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I see that the Japanese scientists have crossed a pig with a fir tree................
ended up with a pork-u-pine.
::)
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Groan ;)
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Great Jokes everyone. 8) ;D
Especially the ones about H1N1 Swine Influenza (proper name).
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Great Jokes everyone. 8) ;D
Especially the ones about H1N1 Swine Influenza (proper name).
except if you're going to China where they're calling it Pneumonic Plague - best not to have a temperature when you get off the plane :o
cheers
Leah
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This is funny, the some o's are replaced with a *
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.
Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.
At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.'
He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'F**k dat. Dis budgie jumping is too f**k'n dangerous for me!'
THERE'S MORE...
Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass.
He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.
He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.
He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'
IT IS NOT OVER YET...
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.
He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.
Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head.
'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... And now Sean and his f**k'n hengliding!'
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Groan ;)
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::)
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hahahaha
Thats a good one.
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How to go Fossicking with your mates Aussie style.
TG attended his Lapidary club's monthly meeting and had just told
them he couldn't make the upcoming annual MM trip because his
missus wouldn't let him go. After copping the "under the thumb" remarks,
TG left to go back home to the missus.
Later, come the following week when TG's mates started arriving to set up
camp at MM, who should be there but TG sitting up in front of the
Park, swag rolled out, sieves in hand and the camp oven roast
stewing away in a hot bed of glowing coals.
"Geez how did ya talk ya missus into letting you come here TG?" they
asked
"I didn't have to," was TG's reply, "When I left the meeting last week I
went home disappointed and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my
sorrows. Suddenly the missus snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and
said, "Surprise."
When I peeled back her hands, there she was standing there in a beautiful
see through nightie," she said, "carry me to the bedroom, tie me to the bed
posts then do whatever you want."
"SO HERE I AM!"
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:o :oROFL :-X
Psst Young mods avert eyes. ;)
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LOL, nice one TG!
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I got this in email, the other day and thought others would like it too.
Only great minds can read this
This is weird, but interesting!
fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too
Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.
i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it
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LOL, trouble is, that's how the kids are allowed to spell in primary school.
Encouraged to spell how it sounds >:( Times tables, don't get me started...."we'll touch on that IF it ever comes up in class"..... >:( >:( >:(
Tis so true tho Deb, read it in a flash ;D
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We must have great minds huh ;)
I read it in a flash also, which was pretty scary, at least now I know that if I make a typo with the letters muddled up that you will be able to read it hehe. ;);D
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Sa nolg sa oyu cna lsepl dan od ont velae yan tertsel otu. ;D
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Hmm as long as you can spell and do not leave any letters out.
very true ;)
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I liked that one.........er.............what was it again? ::)
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Ever Wonder why?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
What is the speed of darkness?
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?
Are there specially reserved parking spaces for 'normal' people at the Special Olympics?
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Did you ever stop and wonder.......
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze
these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'
Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum.'
Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Stop singing and read on.......
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
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Do you want answers to these, or are they rhetorical questions? ;D
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Answers please Calx.
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Oh yes please calx.
I'll get the popcorn ready. :D
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Without and further ado (but possibly a lot of adont), here beith the answers you seek:
Q: Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
A: Actually he does have a beard, but he keeps it at home to avoid lewd comments from chimpanzees
Q: Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
A: We are rather cleverly attempting to generate current through the piezoelectric effect
Q: Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?
A: Because too much of not enough is never enough. And besides, you are a bad person.
Q: Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
A: Because they weren't allowed to have bellybutton piercings
Q: Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
A: It's much harder to count paint
Q: Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
A: Count Fronly Gurpin III, lexigographical advisor to King Edward III. It was originally going to be spelt "lirp", but that sounded too much like a frog throwing up.
Q: What is the speed of darkness?
A: 42
Q: Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?
A: Because they wake up every two hours. I don't understand your question....
Q: Are there specially reserved parking spaces for 'normal' people at the Special Olympics?
A: At the special olympics special is the new normal. Not being special is just another flavour of normal, so no.
Q: If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
A: Taken literally, around the temperature that carbon dioxide freezes. If you hear this forecast, stay inside...
Q: Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
A: Both - being yelled at BEFORE you try something really dumb extends life, but the resulting sulk makes time drag
Q: How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
A: Because we used to have porters. Unfortunately, NASA caused a worldwide shortage of porters in the 1960s, leading to development of wheeled luggage just after the back brace but before teflon frypans. Yet another spinoff from the space program.
Q: Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
A: Because there are no coin-operated binoculars at ground level - they're only ever high up. You have to go up high to use them (d'oh!)
Did you ever stop and wonder.......
Q: Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze
these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'
A: He was drunk
Q: Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum.'
A: The discoverer of chicken manure. This didn't last long as a food group. Despite the presence of a shell around it, eggs were a lot more popular because they could be boiled and remain intact.
Q:Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
A: Not all humans are decent. Toaster makers know their market.
Q: Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
A: Light moves slower in cold temperatures. The differential in the speed of light between freezer and fridge can result in local spacetime anomalies and distort your fridge.
Q: Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?
A: Because the bathroom is elsewhere
Q: Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
A: To change the tape in the video recorder
Q: Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
A: Both dogs? What makes you think that? I think you're barking up the wrong tree.
Q: If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
A: Quests?
Q: If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
A: Baby corn
Q: If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
A: No - morons have a positive charge. You're thinking of ethicons.
Q: Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
A: Both were written by Milli Vanilli
Q: Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
A: Yes, but the letters are eaten out of order
Q: Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
A: Logical conclusion covering both events: you need mouthwash.
Q: Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
A: No, it makes it go sideways. If you push the button an uneven number times beyond the first time, you may actually be getting on the OTHER elevator!
I think it's time for my nanna nap.....
Regards,
Shane
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ROFLMAO.
Brilliant.
You've earnt your nap.
Nighty Noos. :-* :-* :-* :-*
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Great answers Shane, I want some of what you are taking, have you been into the purple pills, or was it the jelly beans from Stannifer... ? beers
Some other important questions...
Why do we call it 'shipment', when we send something by car / truck... and 'cargo' when we send something with a ship...
When a tree falls down in the the forest and nobody is there to hear it, does it make a sound ?
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LOL, Like the shipment one exswede.
Raises the question how does a thermos know when to keep something hot or cold.
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LMAO Shane, good job ;D
Q: Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?
A: Because they wake up every two hours. I don't understand your question....
we do sleep like Babies when we drink Beer, Tea, Coffee etc. We too are up every 2 hours Peeing ;)
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Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out
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... and some useful proverbs:
Don't count your chickens if you don't have any
A watched pot is never alone
A bird in the hand makes charades difficult to perform
The grass is always greener if you paint it
A stitch in time causes puckering
Waste not and you soon run out of not
Once bitten, it hurts
It's always darkest before the light goes on
He who hesitates is probably thinking of all the things that could go wrong
Spare the rod and spoil your fishing trip
You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it tapdance (obvious, really)
Regards,
Shane
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LMAO
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Waste not and you soon run out of not
Use not sparingly - that stuff is expensive
lol
JAD
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ROFL, You on a go slow at work Shane? I don mind, I'm havin a laugh!! ;D
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When a tree falls down in the the forest and nobody is there to hear it, does it make a sound ?
I've heard that it does. :D
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History Facts
The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn’t just how you like it, think about how things used to be.
Here are some facts about the 1500s:
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odour. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children—last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, “Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water.”
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying “It’s raining cats and dogs.”
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That’s how canopy beds came into existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying “dirt poor”.
The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a “thresh hold”.
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire.
Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, “Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old”.
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man “could bring home the bacon.” They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and “chew the fat.”
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or “upper crust.”
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a “wake”.
England is old and small and the local folks started Funning out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a “bone—house” and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the “graveyard shift”) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be “saved by the bell” or was considered a “dead ringer”.
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Jerry,
Funny but bogus. Kudos to the late '90s author of this imaginative set of explanations. I particulary like the logic of pets sleeping in the roof! :D
Regards,
Shane
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I enjoyed that read, thanks Jimny beers
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I enjoyed the read Jerry. Bogus or not, I liked the reasoning.
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England is old and small and the local folks started Funning out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a “bone—house” and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the “graveyard shift”) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be “saved by the bell” or was considered a “dead ringer”.
Someone told me this one before. The logic was that they buried people in comas etc. I now have a fear of been buried alive, and is the same reason my partner wants to be cremated....Of course I still want to be buried...at least I might have a chance to fossick from the grave! :o
JAD
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This was just posted on another forum and I think it's worth a laugh. Well, maybe I have a weird sense of humour but it sure cracked me up.
JPLiz on the Canada team posted this on their forum and I thought I would share it with you guys, very funny...
Pocket Taser Stun Gun (hysterical!)
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...........
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5'' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...... ;
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it *explicit*,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . .. .
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION .. WHAT THE HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative!
SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I *explicit* myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'
timmygadget
Posts: 297
Joined: Sun Dec 02, 2007 6:40 pm
Location: Athy, Co. Kildare
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Ok guys, you're either all racing out to buy to try it for yourself or...don't tell me you've already tried it?! hehe
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An Irish priest was transferred to Texas ..
Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish.
He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.
He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.
He promptly called the local police station......
The conversation went like this:
''Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones . How might I help you?''
''And the best of the day to yerself.. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead on me front lawn "
Sergeant Jones , considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, ''Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!''
There was dead silence on the line for a moment.............................................
Then Father O'Malley replied: "Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.''
-
hehe 8)
-
Both great jokes ... Mehoose takes out the wince factor award and Bluey takes out the quick wit award.
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The Queen's Riddle
Barack Obama met with the Queen of England. He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"
"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"
The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."
The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"
Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, my Queen?"
The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, Tony, your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.
Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice presidential choice the same question. "Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," said Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one..." He went to his advisors and asked every one, but none could give him an answer. Finally, he ended up in the men's room and recognized Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.
Biden asked Powell, "Colin, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Colin Powell yelled back, "That's easy, it's me!"
Biden smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Then, he went back to speak with Obama. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It’s Colin Powell!"
Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face, "No! you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"
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Haha. Keep em coming Bluey.
Allan
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A hooded armed-robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the loot, one brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face. The robber shoots the man without hesitation! He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber shoots him also. Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.
"Did anyone else see my face?" calls the robber.
There are a few moments silence, then one elderly Irish gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says:
"I think me wife may have caught a glimpse...."
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A Quick Check for Alzheimer's (or potential for Alzheimer's)
The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University . Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.
The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it! Remember, read carefully and say aloud.
1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.
Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down.
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Ahahahaha, both good. ;)
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Whoa, missed yours Bluey, hehe 8)
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26 things I have learnt from movies.
1. Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people - whether they are employed or not.
2. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
3. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.
5. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
6. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
7. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.
8. Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
9. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
10. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach the armpit level on a woman, but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
11. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
12. It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
13. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
14. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
15. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it isn't necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do.
16. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
17. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
18. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
19. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
20. Computer monitors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: "Enter Password Now."
21. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few seconds.
22. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
23. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
24. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.
25. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
26. When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English.
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ROFL, so when are you making a movie? ;)
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That is such a classic Diesel beers
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Why men don't write advice columns.
Dear Robert,
I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than 5 miles down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbours' daughter. I'm 42, my husband is 45, and the neighbours' daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years.
When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I'd leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless.
I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him any more.
Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Sheila
Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it's clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps.
Robert
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How to change the oil in your car.
WOMEN
1. Pull up at Ultra-Tune when the odometer reads 5000km since the last oil change or it's been 6 months.
2. Drink a cup of coffee, read a magazine.
3. 30 minutes later, swipe your Amex or VISA and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
MEN
1. Go to Supa-Cheap Auto, swipe your plastic for $50 for oil, new oil filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container in your garage is full. Instead of taking it to recycler, dump in hole in backyard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Search toolkit and bench for 20mm socket.
9. Give up and use shifting spanner.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up, poke in exisitng oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and twist it off.
16. Beer.
17. Your mate shows up, finish slab of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to Bottle Shop; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil on gasket first
23. Dump first litre of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Hurry to replace drain plug before all the fresh oil drains onto floor.
27. Slip with shifting spanner and bang knuckles on chassis.
28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
29. Begin swearing fit.
30. Throw shifter to other end of garage.
31. Swear for additional 10 minutes because the shifting spanner hit and tore your favourite Pamela Anderson (1993) poster on the wall.
32. Clean up, apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
33. Beer.
34. Beer.
35. Dump in the remainder of the oil.
36. Beer.
37. Lower car from jack stands.
38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
39. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
40. Drive car.
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You're right Diesel ... lousy advice ... she obviously just ran out of fuel :P
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diesel, thanks for sharing your weekend with us. :-* ;D
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The Black Bra
Three women met for lunch. One was engaged, one a businessman's mistress, the third has been married for 20 years. They were chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men by greeting them at the door dressed in a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask covering their eyes. They agreed to meet a few days later to exchange notes.
The engaged friend went first, "The other night when my fiancé came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long."
Said the mistress, "Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night."
They turned to the married woman.
"When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. He just walked past me in the doorway and remarked 'What's for dinner, Zorro?"
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A man was walking down the street, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man, who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you buy beer with it instead?"
"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the homeless man said.
"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a lawn bowls club instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you BLOODY NUTS?" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played bowls in 20 years!"
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you two dollars. I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I'm very dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."
The man replied, "That's okay, mate! I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling, and bowls."
8) ;D
beers
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Ahaha
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Good!,I can understand that one ;D
Andrew
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Reminds me of the Lotto winner who went bankrupt. The accountant
asked what happened to all the money.
"I drank some, I gambled some, I spent some on women and the rest I spent foolishly".
REXL
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LOL
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Only an Aussie could pull this one off!
A true story from Mount Isa in Queensland .
Recently a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local neighborhood pub late in the evening. The officer noticed a man (Luke Sandery) leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few meters, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road.. The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a random breathalyzer test.
To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication.
The Police officer said "I'll have to ask you t o accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy"..
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Ahaha, I like.
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I've heard and read it many times; "the true ones are the best ones".
this is great.
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This one is from a customer of our Norm B. He sends us this type of thing nearly everyday,kinda like good SPAM!
I must ask him if he wants the Jokes added to the Forum,some are very good.
Take a Look:
WHAT CONFUCIUS _DIDN'T_ SAY
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Better to be pissed off than pissed on.
Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car getsexhausted.
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left..
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Finally CONFUCIUS SAY. . ...
"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood
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;D ;D ;D hehe good one Andrew!!
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Excellent.
Haven't heard most of those.
How about:
Confucius say:
Man walking sideways through airport turnstile going to Bangkok.
Girl who fly upside down going to have crack-up.
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:o :o ;D LOL Thats funny Bluey ;)
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AHAHAHA, like em all. :D
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A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 160 Km/h, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M1, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 200 Km/h, then to 240 then finally to 320 Km/h.
Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.
Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.."
The old man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir", said the policeman.
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AHAHAHAHA :D
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Its difficult to find Patrick suitable jokes. Here's hoping we don't have too many Irish ALFers.
An Irish priest was transferred to Texas. Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning.
It was a Fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish.
He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.
He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.
He promptly called the local police station......
The conversation went like this:
''Good morning.
This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?''
''And the best of the day te yerself.
This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church.
There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn."
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit,
Replied with a smirk,
''Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!''
There was dead silence on the line for a moment ..............................................
Father O'Malley then replied:
'Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.''
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hehehehehe
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Running out of repeatable ones, but here is another. Enjoy your day peoples.
Paddy was waiting at the bus stop with his mate when a lorry went by loaded up with rolls of turf.
Paddy said, 'I'm gonna do that when I win the lottery'.
'What's dat?', says his mate.
'Send me lawn away to be cut', says Paddy.
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Running out of repeatable ones, but here is another. Enjoy your day peoples.
One thing I really like about this forum is that it's family-friendly .... it seems so rare these days. I think it would be excellent to see lots of younger people join in. Fossicking & lapidary is one of the few interests that anyone can enjoy because there is such a wide range of activities .... there's something for everyone. Nice :D
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LOL.
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Belly Laugh time.......
1. Two blondes walk into a building.......you reckon at least one would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message "If you want to buy marijuana press the hash key..."
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts. The shrink says "Well I can clearly see you're nuts!"
4. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong current pulled him in.
5. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered in hundreds and thousands. The cops said he topped himself!
6. A man goes to the dr with a strawberry growing out of his head. The dr said "I'll give you some cream for that. "
7. Guy goes into the doctors. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball up my bum!"
"how's that?"
"Don't you start!"
And finally......
8. Two elephants walk off a cliff.........boom, boom!
Have a great day!
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AHAHAHHAHA ROFLMAO!!!!
-
An old rock hound comes home from fossicking & finds 2 blokes robbing his house. He rings the police on his mobile phone and tells them what is going on and that they need to come and get them. The police tell him "they are terribly sorry but they can't get there in a hurry". The old man responds "well I'll have to deal with it myself" and hangs up. He rings the police back a minute later and says "there is no point to rush, as I've shot them both and the dogs are eating the bodies" and hangs up. The next thing you know a SWAT team pulls up to a screatching halt and catches the criminals in the act of robbing the place. The police say to the old man "I thought you said they were dead!" To which he responds "I thought you couldn't get here in a hurry!".
We can learn a lot from old rock hounds!!!! ;D Jamo
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mwahahahaha, ain't that the truth.
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EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 2.5kg potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 5kg potato bags.
Then try 15kg potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 25kg potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level..)
After you feel confident at that level, put one potato in each bag. ;) ;D
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Oh groan. ;)
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It was mealtime during a flight on Blonde Airlines. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
apologies to all the blondes out there - I guess the tradeoff is that they have more fun ;D
cheers
Leah
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heh
-
Hope I don't offend anybody.
Polish Divorce
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.
One day he rushed into a lawyer's office
and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances,
and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.
I don't think you understand.
Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.
I mean what are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland .
Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up?
No, I'm always up before her.
Is your wife a nagger?
No, she's white.
Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.
What makes you think that?
I got proof.
What kind of proof?
She going to poison me.
She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read, and it say:
~~~Polish Remover~~~
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AHAHAHAHA
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A redneck family are visiting a big city for the first time.
The father and son are in the hotel lobby when the spot an elevator.
"What's that Paw?" The boy asked.
"I ain't never did see nothin' like that in my life" Replied the father.
Seconds later an old frail woman walks in the hotel door and hobbles to the elevator. She presses the button with her cane, waits for the doors to open and gets in.
The father and son, still amazed by this contraption, continue to watch.
They hear a ping noise and the doors open again. Out steps a beautiful 20 year old busty blonde.
The father looks at his son and says "Go get your Maw !"
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ROFL :D
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"How long have you been driving without a tail light?" asked the policeman after pulling over a motorist. The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car, and gave a long, painful groan. He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit. "Come on, now," he said, "you don't have to take it so hard. It isn't that serious."
"It isn't?" cried the motorist. "Then you know what happened to my boat and trailer?"
I was walking down the street one day when someone threw a bottle of Omega-3 at me.
The doctors said my injury was only super-fish-oil. (superficial!) Richard
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Oh bend over for a spanking with that last one. ::) ;)
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One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
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ROFLMAO!!!
-
Should add, I have a fabulous mother-in-law she has 10 children 89 grand and greatgrandchildren.
-
Thanks Guys,
Been flat out Packing and answering Emails and Phone calls,had not got time to even read whats going on in Alfs world
properly.
I needed the last few Days of Jokes. Well Done all ;D
Cheers Andrew
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When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
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AHAHAHA PMSL
-
A couple is lying
in bed. The man says,
'I am going to make
you the happiest woman in the world....'
The woman replies,
'I'll miss you.......
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LOL 8)
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'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,'
Scott says as he stepped out of the shower..
'Honey, what do you think the
neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
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ROFL
-
Two Irish workers, one a bricklayer and the other his navie mate turned up on site for a job. There were thousands of bricks, tons of cement and piles of sand.
The foreman, liking the looks of the pair, gave them the plans and said that he'd be back in a week to check upon their progress. They set to work and oh how they worked, as hard as any two men can. within one week they'd built a chimney stack 353 feet tall and 5 bricks wide. The foreman upon returning to the site, climbed all 353 feet of the stack and fired the pair of them. Apparently they'd got the plans upside down and should have been building a well.
-
hehehe 8)
-
Q: What does it
mean when a man is in your bed gasping
for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
-
Blocker, should we be worried about you? LOL.
-
On a recent trip to the United States, Julia Gillard, Prime Minister of Australia, addressed a major gathering of American Indians.
She spoke for almost an hour on her plans for Carbon Trading Tax for Australia.
At the conclusion of her speech, they presented her with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name - Walking Eagle.
A very chuffed Ms Gillard then departed in her motorcade, waving to the crowds.
A news reporter later asked one of the Indians how they came to select the new name given to Ms Gillard.
They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit that it can no longer fly.
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Aint that the truth :P
-
They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit that it can no longer fly.
Well, this answers an old riddle here:
Until he died about twenty years ago, we had a local Wampanoag Chief, Walking Turtle.
I wondered...I suppose when you have a shell, you cannot hold as much.
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Saying Good Night to Mother
We were dressed, and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet, and put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.
As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house, because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodnight to my mother.'
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her backside with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!'
The cab driver hit a parked car.
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Ehehehe 8)
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7H15 M3554G3 53RV35 7O PR0V3 H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5! 1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5! 1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG 17 WA5 H4RD BU7 N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3 Y0UR M1ND 1S R34D1NG 17 4U70M471C4LLY W17H 0U7 3V3N 7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17, B3 PROUD! 0NLY C3R741N P30PL3 C4N R3AD 7H15. ;D
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Grandad and the ATO
The ATO decides to audit Grandad, and summons him to their office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandad showed up with his lawyer.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the ATO finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandad. 'How about a demonstration?'The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandad says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.' The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandad isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandad removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandad's lawyer as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandad asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandad stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandad's own lawyer moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks. 'Not really,' says the lawyer. 'This morning, when Grandad told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
Don't Mess with Old People!
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Nice one Bluey.
Hey is your bro Terry?
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I never contributed to these. Let's see how this plays here:
Three dogs were in the Vet's waiting room.
First dog asks the second, "What are you here for?"
"Oh, I'm here to be neutered. I keep chasing cars, and The Boss thinks it will quiet me down."
"Yeah, me too. I bit the paperboy a couple of times...you know how it is."
They look over at the third dog, "What about you?"
"Oh, it was awful. My mistress stepped out of the shower, and...and...I just don't know what happened to me, but I jumped her and furiously mounted her, and..."
"Wow! No WONDER you are getting neutered!"
"No! I am just here to get my claws clipped."
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After all the laughs I thought it time to contribute.
THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH
A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'
The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.' The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.
His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'
The Aussie said 'One!' The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale for?' '£124,237.64p.' The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64!!
What the hell did you sell him?'
'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.'
'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'
'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4
The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'
'No, no, no.. he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said...
' Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing.'
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Nice one Bluey.
Hey is your bro Terry?
No, different family. My brother is Bernie. ;D
Good jokes guys.
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You boys are bad ;D
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What's the worst thing about getting a colostomy bag?
Finding the shoes to match :-D
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"What's the worst thing about getting a colostomy bag?
Finding the shoes to match :-D"
Actually, any brown pair will do.
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Allright, after those last ones I guess I don't have to worry about anything here.
My wife is blond. We have a brunette woman friend who has tormented her for years by email, sending her these, and we have hundreds of them.
________________________________
A blond, brunette and a redhead were sitting in the obstetrician's waiting room.
The redhead said, "I'm going to have a boy, because I was on top when he was conceived."
The brunette said, "I'm going to have a girl because I was on the bottom."
The blond burst into tears, and cried, "I'M GOING TO HAVE PUPPIES!"
_________________________________
Two blondes were out hiking when they encountered some tracks.
"Those are deer tracks!"
"No, they are moose tracks!"
"Deer tracks"
"Moose Tracks".
They were still arguing when the train ran over them.
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A blonde girl walked into the library, went up to the counter and said:
"Could I please have a piece of fish and a bag of chips"
The girl behind the counter looked up at the blonde and stated "Excuse me, but this is a library".
The blonde looked around and apologised. OH!
In a whisper she said: "Could I have a piece of fish and a bag of chips".
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Two men, members of an ethnic group known for lack of complete mental capability, went hunting and bagged a nice buck deer. While dragging it out, they encountered a state game cop, who, after inspecting their licenses and tags, made a comment. "I see you are pulling that deer by its back legs, which means you are pulling against the lay of the hair. Were you to pull it by the horns, you would find that it is easier, as you would be pulling with the lay of the hair." They agreed to try it, and off they went. A while later, one man said to the other "that cop was right, this is a lot easier". "It is", said the other, "but we're sure not getting any closer to the pickup".
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That's right. It's Hunting Season up here.
Ed went hunting. He didn't see much game, but he did see a small black bear, and shot it.
Suddenly, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around, and there was a big brown bear standing behind him, who promptly flung him over a fence and had his way with Poor Ed. Ed crawled home and slowly recovered and dreamed of revenge.
The next weekend, he saw the brown bear and shot it.
There was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around and there was a Grizzly Bear standing there, who likewise flung him over the fence and...
Ed was really damaged, and crawled home. it took a long time to recover, but he went back out and tracked the grizzly and shot it.
Suddenly, there was a tap on his shoulder, and a Polar Bear was standing there.
"Admit it, Ed. You don't really come here for the hunting, do you?"
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..And one for the Fishermen from our South:
I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms.
Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait.
Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I
grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.
Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting
bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.
A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.
Life is good in the South.
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Well done, keep them coming.
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Ahahaha, good uns all.
Life is good and gee... what oldrnut said ;) ;D
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This made me giggle
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The 2011 DARWIN Awards!
It's with great pleasure that I announce.....
it's that time again.....The Darwin Awards are out! These Annual Honors are given to the persons who did the human gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way.
You may recall that last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out.
This year's winner was a genuine Rocket Scientist...no jive! Read on...and remember that each and every one of these is a true story. The nominees were:
Semifinalist #1
A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. The resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both he and his sister.
Semifinalist #2
Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.
Semifinalist #3
A 22-year-old Reston, VA man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot rail road trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the concrete," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."
Semifinalist #4
A man in Alabama died from numerous rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend - no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate - was hospitalized, but lived.
Semifinalist #5
Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter
was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as ''especially bright'' by his peers.
And now the winner of this year's Darwin Award; as always, awarded posthumously;
THE 2011 WINNER!
Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene.
Police investigators finally pieced together the mystery. An amateur rocket scientist had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off...actually a solid-fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra 'push' for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. He attached the JATO unit to the car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO!
The facts as best could be determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the scorched and melted asphalt at that location.
The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds.
The driver, and soon-to-be pilot, would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, causing him to become irrelevant for the remainder of the event.
However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet, leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock. Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable.
Epilogue: It has been calculated that this moron attained a ground speed of approximately 420-mph, though much of his voyage was not actually on the ground.
Really.....we couldn't make this stuff up.
People like these are all around us. They have kids and they vote!
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LOL.
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OK.
One day an old farmer decided to go out to market,
and once he got home he`d bought himself another new rooster.
Once they got home the new rooster overpowered the old one and said that it`s all over, you`re finished retired cactus done for....
The old fella takes one look at him and says, can`t you just let me have old Beryl and Mertha out the back that`s all I need.
The new fella says no way I`ll take the lot.
So the old fella decides to get a bit smart and says I`ll tell you what,
I`ll race you around the farmhouse and winner takes all..
The young rooster laughs and says you know you don`t stand chance so I`ll give you a head start..
So off they go, young fella sits back for 10 seconds and then takes off as they round the front verandah he`s closed the gap immensely and is just about to catch up when all of a sudden BANG.... He`s stone cold dead.
The farmers missus comes out and asks him what U done that for...
He says that is the third gay rooster he`s bought this month.
Moral of the story
Appreciate your elders, age experience and a little bullshit wins everytime.
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Ahahaha
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Extracts from letters written to Local Councils
1.. It's the dogs' mess that I find hard to swallow
2.. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
3.. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage..
4.. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
5.. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.
6.. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
7.. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
8.. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
9.. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
10.. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are Plain filthy.
11.. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
12.. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
13.. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and Not fit to drink.
14.. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.
15.. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6 am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too
Much For me.
16.. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is Unsightly and dangerous
17.. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third So please send someone round to do something about it
.
18.. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
19.. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
20.. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction
21.. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
22.. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
23.. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
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That cleared the lungs! :D
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Recently our local Police Officer parked outside our local pub,
later that night he noticed someone leaving the bar so intoxicated
that he could barely walk.
This person stumbled around the carpark for several minutes with the
officer quietly observing, after what must have been at least 20 minutes and trying his keys on at least 5 cars he found his vehicle....
He was there as quite a few other patrons left the bar and drove away,
finally he started the car and beeped his horn, put on his indicators and then switched on his lights. He moved his car for a bit and then stayed a little longer.
Finally he left the carpark and the police officer decided to pull him over and put him on the breathalyser, the amazing thing was that he showed no evidence of being under the influence.
The officer said that his equipment must be broken and have to take him to the watchouse but the person in question said...
No way mate tonight I am the designated DECOY.
Geez, we love it up here
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LOL :D
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The farmer was having his supper, when there was a knock on the door. He looked out and saw a Porsche in the driveway, and some city guy standing there holding a pail.
" I was driving by, and saw some milkweed growing in the field. Do you mind if I got some milk?"
The farmer tried not to laugh, and said, 'Sure! Go ahead and get some", and when the guy left he died laughing,. There was a knock on the door, and the city guy was standing there with a pail of milk.."I just wanted to thank you!".
The farmer smiled, and scratched his head, puzzled.
About a week later, the city guy was at the door, holding a little pot.."I saw some honeysuckle growing there on the fance...Mind if I get some honey?"
"Sure (chuckle) Go ahead!"
Later, there was a knock, the guy was standing there with a pot full of honey, thanking him again. The farmer was puzzled, but in a few days forgot about it.
The next weekend, there was a knock on the door.
"Down by the creek, I see some pussy willow..."
''"I'll get my coat..."
...
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PMSL, worth the wait to see you again Loose. :-*
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;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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I had better go and find some Salvation Jane after that one
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YUNG CHOW DICK calls into work and say`s ``hey,I no come work today I sick, headache cramps no come to work....
Boss says, you know somethin yung dick I really need you today,
look when I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me lot`s of sex, that`s makes everything better and then I go to work. TRY THAT
2 hours later Yung Chow calls the boss again and says I do feel much better, but I can`t get over what a great house you have boss....
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The local police chief kept pushing the idea of a new GPS system that linked to the cruisers' radios. He explained it as a "safety feature", but all the cops knew he was really more interested in monitoring the Donut Shop time. Against objections, the system was installed. There was a lot of grumbling, until the Chief came into the break room hearing everyone laughing.
"Hey, Chief.
- Murphy's at YOUR house!"
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Hahahahah. Very funny both of them
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Garage Door
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tyres..
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I can see a bad pattern developing here lately ... :-[
But they are funny :P
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Posted this on GO last Spring:
HIS AND HER DIARY FOR THE SAME DAY:
Her Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
His Diary:
Boat wouldn't start, can't figure out why.
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That's funny. Totally understandable.
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And so TRUE! Haha!
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A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's' birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She
says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50."
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GREAT TRUTHS.
That Little Children Have Learned:
1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
2. When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4. Never ask your 3 - year old brother to hold a tomato.
5. You can't trust dogs to watch your dinner.
6. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7. Never hold a Dust - Buster and a cat at the same time.
8. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9. Don't wear polka-dot undies, under white shorts.
10.The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's Knee
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1. Raising teenagers is like nailing Jelly to a tree.
2. Wrinkles don't hurt.
3. Families are like fudge.....mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4. Today's oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5. Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not for the toy inside.
GREAT TRUTHS OF GROWING OLD
1. Growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional
2. Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3. When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do whilst your down there.
4. Your getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5. Its frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6. Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7. Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
(And remember folks, "Old Age and Cunning, beats youth and agility.) ;D
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Aha, like em both. :D
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Old age is a pain.
But it sure beats the alternative.
Ghost
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It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in far northern Wisconsin asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be
prepared.
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He picked up the phone, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it I s going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes, the man at the National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'
'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy.'
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Hahaha. An oldie but a goodie. Like it.
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Just what I need after cracking a nice piece of CZ!
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On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.
The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.
The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.
Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she guessed.
"No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?"
"No," said the little boy.....
........"It's a puppy!"
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A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blond. "What the hell are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde,"but we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World."
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Ew the first one, LOL, saw the second one coming but still funny. Well, he should've worded it differently! :D
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Top marks for that one
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WINTER BLONDE
As a trucker stops for a red light in Portland, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.
The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.
She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.
Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again.
All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.
When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.
He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...
"Hi, my name is Mark, it's winter in Maine, and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"
(http://www.gearloose.com/meblonde.gif)
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ROFL!
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ANSWERS OF A BRILLIANT STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0%
Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle
Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the page
Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
* liquid
Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage
Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
* exams
Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner
Q7. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half
Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
* it will simply become wet
Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ??
* No problem, he sleeps at night.
Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..
Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
* Very large hands
Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build the same wall?
* No time at all, the wall is already built.
Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Concrete floors are very hard to crack!
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LOL. 100%
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This was sent to me today. Love it.
Hope you haven't seen it before.
[smg id=3097 type=av]
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Hahahaha fantastic ;D ;D ;D
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now that was pretty fuuny. Bluey. well done.
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Two guys, one old, one young,
are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart
when they collide..
The old guy says to the young guy,
"Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,
and I guess I wasn't paying attention
to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too...
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well,
maybe I can help you find her...
what does she look like?"
The young guy says,
"Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall,
with red hair,
blue eyes, is buxom...wearing no bra,
long legs,
and is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?'
To which the old guy says, "Doesn't matter,
--- let's look for yours."
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hehehe
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My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the vet. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.
The vet then told her that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
She went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
She said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs then, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."
She replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."
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oohoohoo,...rrrrruff ;)
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Two British soldiers (one a Scot and the other English) returning from Malaya were in a bar at waterloo station. Young as they were and having been overseas for two years without a break their thoughts were turned to one thing only, women.
Two 'ladies of the night' were also siting at the bar and eyeing the soldiers.
Jock could take it no longer and approached the women. "how much for the night? he asked.
"Ten pound," said the younger of the two.
"Ooch" he said, "too much fer me, what about you ?" he said to the other.
"half a crown an hour" she replied. "That'll do me fine he said, and took off with her.
The English soldier, being a soft touch escorted the other 'lady'
Next morning the two ladies met up and were discussing the previous evenings business.
" How did you go with the English bloke" one asked.
"really good" she replied "very considerate and gentlemanly, gave me ten pounds and cooked me breakfast this morning, what about you and the Scotsman?
"Don't talk to me about him" she thundered, " had me away three times in twenty minutes and gave me tenpence.
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Three guys stopped in for a drink one evening, and got to talking. One complained about his lazy teenage son.
Another said, 'Whatever you have at home, you wouldnn't believe mine!" The third said, "Mine is completely useless..has to be the worst."
After a few beers, they began to place bets on it.
Went to the first guy's place, and the kid was laying on the couch. The father took a $100 bill,mand placed it on the mantle. "Son, it's yours, just get up and take it. " "Naw. Don't wanna."
"Yeah, that's pretty bad, but walk over to my place."
"Son, I'll HAND you this $100 bill, if you just raise your hand and make a fist."
The kid just waved him away and went back to sleep.
Third guy said, "Pretty awful, I admit, but let's take a drive over to my place. You have never seen anything like this."
They pull up in the driveway and noticed the kid sitting on the front steps, crying in agony.
"What's the matter, Son?"
"Wahhhh! I'm sitting on my balls!"
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Hey Guys and Girls,
Fun jokes all - good to take a break from humdrum of work with a laugh.
Remember to keep them family friendly hotthirsty
We have a Lot of Kids and Family's who enjoy the Forum so we should keep the Parents happy even though there are most likely much rougher Jokes told in the Playground ::)
Thanks
Andrew
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* Noted........ :-X
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Remember to keep them family friendly
Oh, OK. I keep forgetting I come from a dysfunctional family..........
PS: Happy Groundhog Day.
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So what's the verdict Loose, was he an 'inny' or an 'outy' for this year?
And guys you know that is totally clean if you've seen the movie.
Happy Groundhog Day back at ya.
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Aw, he always says the same thing, "Six more weeks of Winter". But this year I outsmarted him with MAGYCK.
I bought a new snowblower. All the other ones I had were broken ones people could not fix and had thrown away.
So last Fall I bought a brand new one for the first time in my life AND IT NEVER SNOWED AGAIN! We had one little snowstorm, not even 8". it's all gone and melted.
All the guys who bought plows for their monster trucks are crying in their beer.
I don't like groundhogs very much...his cousins kept wrecking my garden.
For several years, in one afternoon they would destroy a whole season's work.
So I finally lost my temper and one morning "Something loud" woke up my wife.
(http://www.gearloose.com/bychuck.jpg)
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ROFL :D
Very considerate of you putting out a chin up bar for his exercise.
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Very considerate of you putting out a chin up bar for his exercise.
He just decided to hang around for a while.
But that was years ago. The problem has been solved by the coyotes who have moved in. I have not seen a groundhog in years, since the coyotes came back. Apparantly groundhogs are delicious, and woodchucks/groundhogs are still called "Hoover Hogs" because of their popularity in the Great Depression.
Of course, the coyotes are the reason Iggy does not go otuside unescorted. Small dogs and cats are on their menu. Coyotes are kind of like your dingoes, but the present ones here have wolf and domestic dog DNA. Unlike the dingo, these were indiginous.
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Australian Love Poem
Of course I love ya darlin, your a bloody top notch bird
And when I say your gorgeous I mean every single word.
So your bum is on the big side and I don't mind a bit of flab,
as long as there's something there to grab.
So your belly isn't flat no more, I tell ya I don't care.
So long as when I cuddle you I can get my arms round there.
No sheila's you age has perky nice round breasts.
They just gave in to gravity, I know ya done ya best.
Im tellin ya the truth now, I never tell ya lies.
I thinks its very sexy that you've got dimples on your tigh's
I swear on my nanna's grave now , the moment that we met.
I though that you was good as that I'd ever get.
No matter what you look like I'll always love you dear.
Now shut up whilst the footy's on and fetch me another beer.
(who said Aussie males aren't romantice. ;D
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*snif*
Fair Dinkum, that was beautiful.
:'(
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Yeah, Gearloose It bought a tear to me eye, the other one was black and swollen from the hit me missus gave me when I read it to her.
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The Costume Party
A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. Unfortunately, the wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early enough, decided to go the party.
Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little touch here and a little kiss there.
His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished... Naturally, (since he was her husband.)
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.....
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had.
He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
"Did you dance much?"
"You know, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Browning and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening... But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to..."
diesel beers
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ENJOY BEING AN AUSSIE!
Just imagine...
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Qantas one year ago,
You would have $49.00 today!
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago,
You would have $33.00 today.
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago,
You would have $0.00 today.
But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all
The beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund,
You would have received $214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.
A recent study found that the average Aussie walks about 900 miles a
Year. Another study found that Aussies drink, on average, 22 gallons of
Alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Aussies get about 41 miles
To the gallon!
Makes you damned proud to be an Aussie!
diesel beers
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AHAHA. PMSL guys.
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The way gas prices are going up here, I think I'll give it a try, more walking and lots more beer.
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Because I Am A Bloke
This is a public service message for Women to better understand the Bloke.
· Because I'm a bloke, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. The RACQ is not an option. I will win.
· Because I'm a bloke, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the bonnet and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another bloke shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer and break wind as a form of Holy Communion.
· Because I'm a bloke, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.
· Because I'm a bloke, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism. (FYI fellas: cumin is a spice, apparently, and not a bodily function).
· Because I'm a bloke, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
· Because I'm a bloke, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).....applies to engineers mainly.
· Because I'm a bloke, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always sex, cars, or football. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
· Because I'm a bloke, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come and visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
· Because I'm a bloke, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't....and if you are feeling amorous afterwards...then I will certainly remember the name and recommend it to others.
· Because I'm a bloke, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
· Because I'm a bloke, and this is, after all, the year 2012, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest...... like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.
diesel beers
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Diesel, I must be a Bloke, all those remind me of me. Great work.
Steve
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;D don't think I need to say anything. ;D
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Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Rafferty
The Father said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't you Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer husband two years ago?"
She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father"
The Father asked, "And be there any wee ones yet?"
She replied, "No, not yet, Father."
The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer husband."
She replied, "Oh , thank ye, Father." They parted ways.
Some years later, they met again. The Father asked, "Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye
these days?"
She replied, "Oh, very well Father. "
The father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?"
Mrs Donovan replied, "Oh, yes Father, Three sets of twins and four singles, 10 children"
The Father said, "That's wonderful! How is yer loving husband doing?"
Mrs Donovan replied, "E's gone to Rome, Father, to blow out that damn candle!."
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I finally found it - the book on how to understand women (the abridged version).
diesel beers
[attachment deleted by admin]
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We are often critical of the younger generation and the way they behaviour and the things that influence their lives, Its a wonder we didn't turn out any better when.....
We watched Tarzan perform semi naked on TV every afternoon,
Cinderella arrived home after midnight, Pinocchio told lies,
Aladdin was a thief,
Batman drove over 200 miles per hour in the Batmobile and was never stopped by the cops,
Snow White lived in a house with 7 single men,
Popeye smoked a pipe and had tattoos,
Pac Man ran around to digital music while popping pills that enhanced his performance
Shaggy and Scooby Doo were mystery solving hippies that always had the munchies
. AND finally, Bill and Ben the Flower Pot men were always looking for weed. The fault is not mine!!!!
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I finally found it - the book on how to understand women (the abridged version).
diesel beers
Thats just the list of contents !!!
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Nah man, that's the prelude..or is it preface... nah it's the Acknowledgements.
look, it's my right, no, prerogative, to change my mind!
LOL, B & B should've hooked up with Puff the magic dragon tinker.
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For that special evening on an Italian Cruise
(http://www.gearloose.com/italianship.jpg)
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A distraught senior citizen
phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know,
"that the medication
you prescribed has to be taken
for the rest of my life?"
"'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence
before the senior lady replied,
"I'm wondering, then,
just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is marked
'NO REFILLS'."
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A good old Auburn Graduate won a bass boat in a raffle drawing.
He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says, "What you gonna' do with that?
There ain't no water deep enough to float a boat within 100 miles of here."
He says, "I won it and I'm a-gonna’ keep it."
His brother came over to visit several days later. He sees the wife and asks where his brother is.
She says, "He's out there in his bass boat", pointing to the field behind the house.
The brother heads out behind the house and sees his brother in the middle of a big field sitting in a bass boat with a fishing rod in his hand.
He yells out to him, "What are you doin'?"
His brother replies, "I'm fishin'. What does it look like I'm a doin'?"
His brother yells, "It's people like you that give people from Alabama a bad name, makin' everybody think we're stupid. If I could swim, I'd come out there and whip your ass!"
(http://www.gearloose.com/cletus.jpg)
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Hmmm, I'm sure I've met those two ... ::)
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Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'
______________________________________
Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have to do the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
_______________________________________
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. 'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied, 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'. The man then said 'When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.' The wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'
____________________________________________
Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'
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Explanation: it is the weekend. This is when everyone sends me jokes.
________________________________________________________
At a wine merchant's warehouse the regular taster died, and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A retired Navy fighter pilot drunk and with a ragged dirty look came to apply for the position. The director wondered how to send him away. They gave him a glass to drink. The old pilot tried it and said, "It's a Muscat three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable."
"That's correct", said the boss. "Another glass, please."
"It's a cabernet, eight years old, south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at eight degrees. Requires three more years for finest results."
"Absolutely correct. A third glass."
''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive'' calmly said the drunk.
The director was astonished and winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine.
The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father."
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A married couple had been out shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon.
Suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had "disappeared".
The somewhat irate spouse called her mate's cell phone and demanded: "Where the hell are you?"
Husband: "Darling, you remember that Jewellery shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have money that time and said, 'Baby, it'll be yours one day'?"
Wife, with a smile, blushing: "Yes I remember that, my love."
Husband: "Well, I'm in the Pub next to that shop."
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LOL. :D
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A real good laugh... Thanks Gearloose.
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Been awhile:
_________________________________________________________
A redneck with a bucket full of live fish was approached recently by a game warden in Alabama as he started to drive his boat away from a lake.
The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?"
"Naw, sir," replied the redneck. "I don't need none of them there papers. These here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish??"
"Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o'mine down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into my net and I take 'em home."
"What a line of baloney....you're under arrest."
The redneck said, "It's the truth, Mr. Gov'ment Man. I'll show ya! We do this all the time!!"
"WE do, now, do WE?" smirked the warden. "PROVE it!"
The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After a few minutes, the warden said, "Well?"
"Well, WHUT?" said the redneck.
The warden asked, "When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH," replied the warden!
"Whut fish?" asked the redneck.
MORAL OF THE STORY:
We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.
You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north.
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lol ;D ;D :P :P :D
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Last night i slept like a light. .......... Off and on the whole night long.
Which isn't so bad.
Usually I sleep like a baby. .......... And wake up screaming every three hours.
Ghost
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but gosts don't wake up and scream do they ? ;D :P :P
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After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'
The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go give it a try?'
The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, and spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
He saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming
rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blond took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.
Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blond struggled with the gator.
Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration......
Sonofabitch!! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!
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Another regional joke:
Tips >From the Redneck Book of Manners
1.
Never take a beer to a job interview.
2.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3.
It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5.
Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
Dining Out
1.
If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
2.
Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1.
A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2.
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1.
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys
2.
Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3.
Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewellery and alter the taste of finger foods.
DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY)
1.
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2.
Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: 'I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.'
3.
Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say 'Monday.' If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
4.
Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, 'Ya'll sure don't sweat much for a fat gal.'
WEDDINGS
1.
Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2.
Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3.
For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
4.
Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
5.
It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1.
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2.
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3.
Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4.
When sending your wife/girlfriend down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5.
Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER:
1.
All the DNA is the same.
2.
There are no dental records
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ROFL Loose, taking a break from the grindstone? :D
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Yes, I am. New product has me hopping.
But the EMails keep coming in.
Including the jokes...
______________________________________________
A Guy Fairy Tale
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess... “Will you marry me?”
The Princess said “NO!”
And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf and dated women half his age and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
The End
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Just shocking I tell ya!
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Some Camping Tips
When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant.
Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.
Old socks can be made into high fiber beef jerky by smoking them over an open fire.
When smoking a fish, never inhale.
A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.
The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. Steer clear of those named for landfills.
Acupuncture was invented by a camper who found a porcupine in his sleeping bag.
While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheard of. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle.
Effective January 1, 1997, you will actually have to enlist in the Swiss Army to get a Swiss Army Knife.
Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match.
You’ll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows on the north side of your compass.
You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese.
When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to wipe your nose on.
You can compress the diameter of your rolled up sleeping bag by running over it with your car.
Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone.
A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.
A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish. A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.
You can start a fire without matches by eating Mexican food, then breathing on a pile of dry sticks.
In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.
The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling.
Check the washing instructions before purchasing any apparel to be worn camping. Buy only those that read “Beat on a rock in stream.”
The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.
It’s entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road behind a large motor home.
Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country. The tricky part is getting them on the bears.
A great deal of hostility can be released by using newspaper photos of politicians for toilet paper.
In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle a snoring tent mate.
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Some seriously good ones Bob. 8)
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Now i know what i can do with those old socks ;D
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Wife texts husband at work on the cold winters morning, "Windows Frozen" He promptly texts back, "Pour some luke warm water over them". Wife texts back, "computer completely stuffed now!" 8)
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It pays to listen!!!
A Worksafe officer turned up at a farm and said "we are in the area and would like to inspect your farm." The farmer said "fine, but just don't go in that paddock over there as it is dangerous!" This irritated the Worksafe inspector who replied ... "Look mate I'm a Worksafe inspector and this piece of paper says I can go wherever I like, to check what I want!!!" >:(
Of course the first place the Worksafe inspector goes is to check the paddock where the farmer said he shouldn't go because it was dangerous. The farmer sees the Worksafe inspector running at full tilt across the paddock being chased by an angry bull. The farmer yells to the inspector "show him your bit of paper so he knows you're meant to be there!!!" ;D
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LOL Jamo, expected that but not the tag line. :D
Missed yours tinker, yep, I can see that. ;D
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People at parties will *not* get these jokes.
Thats ok, because "Igneous is bliss"
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People at parties will *not* get these jokes.
Thats ok, because "Igneous is bliss"
Tom ... "Igneous is bliss". What a true rock hound you are. Those other non fossickers are "ignorant", but you choose to be "Igneous". A lot of great stones are "igneous", that must make you a great rock hound!!! Well done
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Jamo's joke reminded me of this one:
The farmer applied for a loan. The local banker wanted a tour of the farm, and the farmer was showing him aorund the place.
The banker was an amateur ventriloquist, and decided to have some fun.
They went into the dairy barn, and the banker asked one of the cows, "How do you like it here?"
..and made the cow appear to say, "It's pretty good...the feed's OK, but I wsh the guy would warm his hands a little before he milked us."
The farmer concealed his shock, and moved onto the chicken coops.
"So..How's it going, girls?" he asked the hens.
"Well, we could use a few more roosters here, if you catch my drift, wink wink.."
The farmer was obviously upset, but tried hard to conceal it.
As they headed for the sheep pen, the farmer grabbed the banker's arm, and shouted, "DON'T LISTEN TO ANYTHING THEM SHEEP SAY. They are TERRIBLE LIARS!"
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Bob, may I add an experienced-based addition?
When out hunting, always wear a long-tailed shirt, pieces of which gives you something to wipe another place with.
Larry
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Ralph was an old guy who lived alone. To pass the time he used to like to do jig saw puzzles.
One day he decided to do a new puzzle and got it out and put all the pieces on the kitchen table. He decided that the puzzle was too hard and thought his smart mate Arny might be able to help him, so he gave Arny a call. Arny asked "what the jigsaw was a picture of" to which Ralph replied that "it was picture of a chicken or rooster".
Arny decided he would come straight around and help out. When he arrived he found the jig saw pieces all, set up on the kitchen table. He looked at the pieces and said to Ralph, "this is much too hard for both of us Ralph, how about you go into the lounge and have a seat and I'll make us both a cup of tea".
Once Ralph left the room, Arny scraped all the corn flakes back into the box and put the kettle on!!! ;)
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Good one Jamo, may be me one of these days. ;D
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God promised woman that good, obedient husbands would be found in all corners of the world.
then God smiled..................
and made the earth round.
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If you're in a pub in a small outback mining town and some wild looking guy invites you to a party at his place after closing time, and he tells you that it should be good, there is going to be some serious drinking and maybe a fight or two and some wild sex. Make sure its not going to be just you and him there !
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LOL
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A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he
sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house:
'Talking Dog For Sale. ' He rings the bell and the owner
appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking
Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog
talk, he says 'So,what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could
talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the
government, so I told the CIA.
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to
country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders,
because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years
running. But the jetting around really tired me out and
I knew I wasn't getting any younger so...
I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport
to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious
characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible
dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'
'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just
retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner
what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you
selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the yard.
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The Dark Sucker Theory
For years, it has been believed that electric bulbs emit light, but recent information has proved otherwise. Electric bulbs don't emit light; they suck dark. Thus, we call these bulbs Dark Suckers.
The Dark Sucker Theory and the existence of dark suckers prove that dark has mass and is heavier than light.
First, the basis of the Dark Sucker Theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. For example, take the Dark Sucker in the room you are in. There is much less dark right next to it than there is elsewhere. The
larger the Dark Sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark Suckers in the parking lot have a much greater capacity to suck dark than the ones in this room.
So with all things, Dark Suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the dark spot on a full Dark Sucker.
A candle is a primitive Dark Sucker. A new candle has a white wick. You can see that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing all the dark that has been sucked into it. If you put a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, it will turn black. This is because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle. One of the disadvantages of these primitive Dark Suckers is their limited range.
There are also portable Dark Suckers. In these, the bulbs can't handle all the dark by themselves and must be aided by a Dark Storage Unit. When the Dark Storage Unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced before the portable Dark Sucker can operate again.
Dark has mass. When dark goes into a Dark Sucker, friction from the mass generates heat. Thus, it is not wise to touch an operating Dark Sucker. Candles present a special problem as the mass must travel into a solid wick instead of through clear glass. This generates a great amount of heat and therefore it's not wise to touch an operating candle.
Also, dark is heavier than light. If you were to swim just below the surface of the lake, you would see a lot of light. If you were to slowly swim deeper and deeper, you would notice it getting darker and darker. When you get really deep, you would be in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats at the top. The is why it is called light.
Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to stand in a lit room in front of a closed, dark closet, and slowly opened the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet.
But since dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the closet.
Next time you see an electric bulb, remember that it is a Dark Sucker.
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I have long believed in this theory, but you have presented it far more completely than I've ever seen, thankyou.
Larry
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What an absolute and fantastic theory. no grey areas !
I can see an immediate use in Canberra, paint the pollies black so that they may absorb some light......absolutelybloodyfantastic. ::)
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theres a saying that when you say i am joining you soon you can say i dident know you were falling a part :D :P ;D
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Nice theory. Who did you say was the ... "SUCKER!" :-\ Oh that's right the Dark Sucker. Couldn't see with the light turned off ;)
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Peter was telling a friend that he had just lost his job. “
Why did the foreman fire you?” the friend asked in surprise.
“Oh,” Peter said, “you know how foreman are. They stand around with their hands in their pockets watching everybody else work.”
“We all know that,” replied his friend. “But why did he let you go?”
“Jealousy,” answered Pete. “All the other workers thought I was the foreman.”
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My wife said "whatcha you going today?", I said "nothing", she said "you did that yesterday".
I said "I wasn't finished."
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Three men walk into a bar........you would think one of them would have seen it !
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LOL, thanks for the chuckles.
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Very good, makes my day. ;D
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This made me chuckle:
Martin had just received his brand new driver's license.
The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.
"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father.
"Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."
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This made me chuckle:
Martin had just received his brand new driver's license.
The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.
"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father.
"Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."
Relayed this one to the family. All kids now drive & have own vehicles. We all had a good laugh over our seat kickers. Wish I had of thought of the revenge strategy! ;)
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G'day (Did I pronounce it right?)...Been busy here with new products and have been missing the chance to get rid of some of the jokes people send me.
Here's a clean one.
TWO QUARTERS OR A DOLLAR
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his
customer, 'This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it
to you.' The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in
the other, then calls the boy over and asks, 'Which do you want, son?'
The boy takes the quarters and leaves the dollar. 'What did I tell you?'
said the barber. 'That kid never learns!'
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming
out of the ice cream store and says; 'Hey, Son! May I ask you a question?
Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?'
The boy licked his cone and replied, 'Because the day I take the dollar,
the game's over!'
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Brilliant! ;D
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Was at the ATM the other day.
An old man asked me to check his balance as he had forgotten his glasses.
So I pushed him and unfortunately he fell down.
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Was at the ATM the other day.
An old man asked me to check his balance as he had forgotten his glasses.
So I pushed him and unfortunately he fell down.
... moan! :)
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oh Bluey! LOL.
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-.-. .- -. --- -. .-.. -.-- - -.-- .--. . .-- .. - .... - .-- --- ..-. .. -. --. . .-. ...
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I'm the same Ghost :D
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After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends.
He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
'What's that big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.
'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.
'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.
'YUP, it is' replied the drunk.
'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.
'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. .
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You ASSHOLE! It's THREE-FIFTEEN in the MORNING!'
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As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
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:D ;D :D ;D beers
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Not a joke, but sure gave me a good laugh...and it's clean.
http://youtube.googleapis.com/v/316AzLYfAzw%26autoplay%3d1%26rel%3d0 (http://youtube.googleapis.com/v/316AzLYfAzw%26autoplay%3d1%26rel%3d0)
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Dam that was good beers ;D
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Just another day around Andrew's and Leah's. ;D
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Not a joke, but sure gave me a good laugh...and it's clean.
http://youtube.googleapis.com/v/316AzLYfAzw%26autoplay%3d1%26rel%3d0 (http://youtube.googleapis.com/v/316AzLYfAzw%26autoplay%3d1%26rel%3d0)
Yep, a good laugh Mehoose! Imagine if you were the one who pushed the button???
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I would have laughed my head off and hoped that someone was getting it on film. Hit replay a few times. ;D
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Ditto on hitting the replay. Even my teenager enjoyed it ... now that's saying something! :D
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That's just nuts, what fun, thanks.
Larry
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I changed my iPod name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type- O.
PMS jokes aren't funny, period.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
Broken pencils are pointless.
I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
Velcro - what a rip off!
Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure. Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
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lol the seasoned veteran made me laugh
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Good one Judy! :D
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This made me chuckle:
Martin had just received his brand new driver's license.
The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.
"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father.
"Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."
Relayed this one to the family. All kids now drive & have own vehicles. We all had a good laugh over our seat kickers. Wish I had of thought of the revenge strategy! ;)
Glad you liked it... I solved the problem and bought a 2 seater
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The Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding across the plains one day, when Tonto suddenly pricked his ear at a passing falcon's cry. "Kemosabe... Apache to East!" he whispered.
The Lone Ranger looked to his faithful companion. "What do we do?"
Tonto pondered a moment. "We ride West!"
After riding a short while, Tonto again paused, searching the horizon with his eagle-sharp eyes. "Kemosabe... Apache to West!"
The Masked Man looked once again at his friend. "What should we do?"
Tonto scratched his head in thought. "We ride North!"
After a brief ride, Tonto stopped to scent the breeze. "Kemosabe... Apache to North!"
"What do we do now?" his companion asked.
Without hesitation, Tonto replied, "We ride South!"
Within minutes, Tonto reigned in his horse and dropped to the ground. Placing his ear to the earth, he listened intently. "Kemosabe... Apache to South!"
Worried, the Lone One asked him, "NOW what do we do?"
Tonto thought hard for a moment, his eyes squinting in concentration. Then his face lit up. "What do you mean "WE", White Man?" ;D
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Ahhhh. Loyalty.
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I think my car is jealous of my hearing aids.
When I don't wear them it runs along nicely, quiet and smooth.
When I put my hearing aids on it rattles and bangs like a bucket of loose nuts and bolts!
Ghost
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moan :P
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ow with a bit of age creeping up, I have finally realised that I CAN multi task.
I can cough, sneeze, fluff and pee at the same time. ;D
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Ahahaha
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I always have the last word whenever there is an argument in our house.
Usually its: "Yes Dear. Whatever you say Dear."
Ghost
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When the wife and I have an argument she is always the first to admit she's right.
REXL
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A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.
Trying to make the matter clearer, she said,
'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'
'Yes,' the class said.
'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'
A little fellow shouted, 'Cause your feet ain't empty'.
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A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.
Trying to make the matter clearer, she said,
'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'
'Yes,' the class said.
'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'
A little fellow shouted, 'Cause your feet ain't empty'.
I like it!!! :) Hope none of you teachers (or retired) are offended by this... but too bad ... I still like it! :)
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It wasn't supposed to be about teachers (2 of my children are teachers) it was about what kids can say. So here's another, -
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to 'Honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment
that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'
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It wasn't supposed to be about teachers (2 of my children are teachers) it was about what kids can say. So here's another, -
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to 'Honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment
that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'
Yep, sibling rivalry sure can be a killer!
Heard one about someone saying "how do you stop sibling rivalry?". The reply was "that's easy ... only have one child!" :)
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Found it hard to stop laughing.
http://goldstocksforex.com/2012/09/14/koreas-answer-to-michael-jackson/ (http://goldstocksforex.com/2012/09/14/koreas-answer-to-michael-jackson/)
Enjoy
Ghost
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Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica – where do they go?
Wonder no more ! ! !
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
Then, they kick him in the ice hole.
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Oh my, ROFL!
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You had me going Wwoofa ... until I saw the song. I must be incredibly gullible ... and have never visited the antarctic to know different! :)
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An assortment of high powered weapons and a stash of drugs including cocaine, heroin and ecstasy have been found behind the Job Centre in Dandenong.
The locals are said to be in a state of shock ... they had no idea they had a job centre!
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AHAHAHAHAHHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
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Oldie but a goodie.
What will you never hear a banjo player say:
Yes, that is my porsche parked outside. ;D
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Speaking of banjo's. Do you know what perfect pitch is? It is the sound of a banjo hitting the concrete from a fourth floor balcony! :)
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Whilst we are on the subject of Polar Jokes.
Does anybody know how to catch a Polar Bear? No, Well I'll tell you.
You cut a big hole in the ice and place frozen pea's all round the hole,
when the Polar Bear bends over to have a pea, you kick him in the ice hole....boom boom.
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WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED.
WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:
Men Are Just Happier People --
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack...
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you,
He or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives
On December 24 in 25 minutes.
beers, :P
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Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Well la-di-da...$10 for a 7 pack ;)
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Some great jokes tinker. beers
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Note : No multitasking on that list ...tsk tsk. Men ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Note : No multitasking on that list ...tsk tsk. Men ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Now Chookie we are able to multitask!!! I am quite competent at watching tv and eating at the same time or being able to 'look' interested when someone is talking to me. See, we can multitask, we are just not given credit for what we can do well 8)
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An old man in Miami calls up his son in New York and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Dad, what a...re you talking about?" the son screams.
“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.
Now, the son is worried. So he calls up his sister. She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" and calls her father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing, the two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and she hangs up.
The old man turns to his wife and says "Okay, they’re coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares." ;D
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Nice one Jamo ... :D Might have to copy that one to my facebook!
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Nice one Jamo ... :D Might have to copy that one to my facebook!
Facebook is where I 'stole', I mean borrowed it from. If you see the link it also has a pic.
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The Dark Sucker Theory
For years, it has been believed that electric bulbs emit light, but recent information has proved otherwise. Electric bulbs don't emit light; they suck dark. Thus, we call these bulbs Dark Suckers.
The Dark Sucker Theory and the existence of dark suckers prove that dark has mass and is heavier than light.
First, the basis of the Dark Sucker Theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. For example, take the Dark Sucker in the room you are in. There is much less dark right next to it than there is elsewhere. The
larger the Dark Sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark Suckers in the parking lot have a much greater capacity to suck dark than the ones in this room.
So with all things, Dark Suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the dark spot on a full Dark Sucker.
A candle is a primitive Dark Sucker. A new candle has a white wick. You can see that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing all the dark that has been sucked into it. If you put a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, it will turn black. This is because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle. One of the disadvantages of these primitive Dark Suckers is their limited range.
There are also portable Dark Suckers. In these, the bulbs can't handle all the dark by themselves and must be aided by a Dark Storage Unit. When the Dark Storage Unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced before the portable Dark Sucker can operate again.
Dark has mass. When dark goes into a Dark Sucker, friction from the mass generates heat. Thus, it is not wise to touch an operating Dark Sucker. Candles present a special problem as the mass must travel into a solid wick instead of through clear glass. This generates a great amount of heat and therefore it's not wise to touch an operating candle.
Also, dark is heavier than light. If you were to swim just below the surface of the lake, you would see a lot of light. If you were to slowly swim deeper and deeper, you would notice it getting darker and darker. When you get really deep, you would be in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats at the top. The is why it is called light.
Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to stand in a lit room in front of a closed, dark closet, and slowly opened the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet.
But since dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the closet.
Next time you see an electric bulb, remember that it is a Dark Sucker.
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That's funny Judy, thanks for sharing :) On the right forum, some people might even believe some of it.
The 'wisdom' and 'logic' of humankind can make anything sound plausable. eg. we were once ameoba.
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Thanks Judy
So now I can ask people to fetch the dark sucker, instead of getting asking them to get me a dark light. :P
Woodsy
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EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM:
'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'
'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.'
'How much do you charge?'
'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.
'I'll sleep on it,' I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.
'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'
'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'
'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!'
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Ahahahahaa, they say things come in 3's and they were good ones.
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Have you ever been in Trouble?
I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.
I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!
And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not! :P
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Nicely done Jamo. Very amusing wit.
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One day the school principal was talking to Little Johnny's teacher about his behavior, when all of a sudden Johnny comes running down the hallway. The principal stops Johnny and asks him, why are you running? Little Johnny says; I’m keeping two kids from fighting, sir. Who? ask the principal. Me and the kid chasing me; 8) and off he went.
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An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 am and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, “I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body”.
The officer says, “Really? Who is giving a lecture like that at this time of night?”
The man replies, “My wife.”
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Could see that one coming Klingon, but still a goodie! :)
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There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me,
grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure.
I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me.
When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance.
I left my wallet in the cab I took home.
I found my old lady in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink,
I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve.
Then you, you jack-ass, show up and drink the whole thing!
But enough about me, how's your day going?
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A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town" said the boy.
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" asked the farmer.
"No, he went with Mom and Dad" the boy answered.
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to
the other, and mumbling to himself.
"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can
give Dad a message" said the boy.
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".
The boy thought for a moment...
"You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
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ahhh a good way to start the day with a bit of a giggles.
thanks gearloose
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Totally Politically Incorrect
The Cowboy
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand,
'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.'
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.
'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.
'Now take off my boots.'
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
'Now take off my socks.'
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
'Now take off my skirt.'
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
'Now take off my bra.'
Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'
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I liked this one... ;D
SALES TIPS #1
Customer : How much is that tie?
Salesman : Forty dollars.
Customer : Why, I can buy a pair of shoes with that much money.
Salesman : But how would a pair of shoes look around your neck.
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The Fence repair
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at Government House. One is from Cabramatta, another is from Marrickville, and the third is from Lane Cove. All three go with an official to examine the fence.
The Cabramatta contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900, $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Marrickville contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. That's $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Lane Cove contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the government official and whispers, "$2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys. How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The Lane Cove contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Marrickville to fix the fence."
"Done!" replies the government official. And that, my fellow tax payers, is how a Government Stimulus plan works.
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Bluey, can I borrow that joke? Real close to home.
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Bluey, can I borrow that joke? Real close to home.
All yours. I have borrowed it anyway.
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Old one....for the newbies.
During a heated discussion Opal screamed at Amber, telling her that not
only was she not a jewel but she wasn't even a mineral.
"Is that so," Amber snorted, stating flatly that Opal had no cleavage.
"Perhaps so," replied Opal, "but at least I'm not just organic ooze with
bugs - I'm pristine, white, and smooth."
"That's tuff," said Amber.
Some jokes just fluorite over my head
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....stay tuned for the next Epidote....
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Tbat one pops up peridotily...
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That was a gem.
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...you guys are a Beryl of laughs....
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That joke, iolite it a lot. Seems to me it was a diamond in the rough ... beers
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Of quartz it is...
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If people don't stop making fun then I will chuck a tantalum.
Hey, after Zeo went on a diet, we were able to call her zeolite.
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...now i have an Apatite for more jokes.....
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....but i could get Jaded by it all.....
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A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain ells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
And that is why you always feel smarter after a few beers. beers
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Haha beers
Does that mean I'm getting dumber again now I don't drink anymore?? ;D
Cheers
Wal
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I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering.
98 of them said, "How the hell did you get in here?"
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LOL
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Was talking to my local butcher at a weekend bbq when he introduced me to his wife: "Meet Patty."
Sorry, though I'd chuck a bit of corn around.
Cheers,
colza
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having a good laugh so i thought id contribute.
A drunk bloke walks out of a pub and sees a nun standing at a bus stop. He walks up and punches her square in the face. When she falls to the ground, he yells in triumph, "You're not so tough, are you, Batman?"
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having a good laugh so i thought id contribute.
A drunk bloke walks out of a pub and sees a nun standing at a bus stop. He walks up and punches her square in the face. When she falls to the ground, he yells in triumph, "You're not so tough, are you, Batman?"
I love it. ;D
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I just kept thinking of that poor nun ... :'(
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Paddy and Hamish we reading the notice board at the local shops, one of them caught Paddy's eye ( Tree fella's wanted), Paddy turned to Hamish and said "Its a pity Shaune wasn't with us, we could have had that job"....... hotthirsty
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Good one Tinker, it did take the second time. :P
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A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd like to be 8 again." she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her off to the local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, every thing there was. Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, and her favorite M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size!!!!!!!
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong. :P
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One day a man is walking down the street and saw an old man with a nice looking dog. He goes over to the man and asks: 'does your dog bite?' the old man replies 'No never'. When the man bends down to stroke the dog, it immediately takes a snap at his hand. The man says 'I thought you said your dog did not bite! 'I did' replies the old man, but this isn't my dog!' lol ;D
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Then there's the one about the IRA guy sent to England to blow up a London bus...
He got his lips burnt on the exhaust.
Cheers,
colza
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Or the one where Mick says to Paddy,"You know Christmas is a Friday this year." And Paddy replies, "Well let's hope it's not the 13th then."
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The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes", came the answer.
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No".
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.
"Is there anyone there besides you?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.
Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "Why are they there?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "They're looking for me."
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Jamo,
Excellent. I read it to Marg but unfortunately, she doesn't have my sense of humour. She's normal. ;D
Wayne.
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General Amalgamated Industries, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?" The CEO said, "Wait right here."
He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back." Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's." ;D
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Keeps the jokes rolling on Jamo, they're like those specks of gold in your pan, there bright and bring a big smile to my face. :) :) :) :
Regards Mario.S. :) :) beers
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dito ;D
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No Through must be a pretty big place.
A hell of a lot of roads lead to it.
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WHAT ELSE COULD YOU SAY?
Was out driving this morning. Busy keeping the car on the road while the wife read all the little road signs to herself.
Suddenly, out of the blue she says, "Pigeon poo is a lot dearer than horse poo."
After taking a moment or two to work out what the hell she was talking about,
I said, "That because you need a lot more pigeons than horses to get a bag full."
So folks, there's the question. What else could you say?
Ghost
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WHAT ELSE COULD YOU SAY?
Was out driving this morning. Busy keeping the car on the road while the wife read all the little road signs to herself.
Suddenly, out of the blue she says, "Pigeon poo is a lot dearer than horse poo."
After taking a moment or two to work out what the hell she was talking about,
I said, "That because you need a lot more pigeons than horses to get a bag full."
So folks, there's the question. What else could you say?
Ghost
Having horses myself and having to clean out the stables twice a day, all I can say is there is definitely NO money in it and it would be easier to collect bird s@#t from the bottom of a cage I would imagine ???
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WHAT ELSE COULD YOU SAY?
Was out driving this morning. Busy keeping the car on the road while the wife read all the little road signs to herself.
Suddenly, out of the blue she says, "Pigeon poo is a lot dearer than horse poo."
After taking a moment or two to work out what the hell she was talking about,
I said, "That because you need a lot more pigeons than horses to get a bag full."
So folks, there's the question. What else could you say?
Ghost
Having horses myself and having to clean out the stables twice a day, all I can say is there is definitely NO money in it and it would be easier to collect bird s@#t from the bottom of a cage I would imagine ???
That reminds me of a ditty my father taught me as a kid ...
Birdie Birdie in the sky;
Dropped some white stuff in my eye
I’m a big boy I won’t cry
I’m just glad cows don’t fly
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WHAT ELSE COULD YOU SAY?
Was out driving this morning. Busy keeping the car on the road while the wife read all the little road signs to herself.
Suddenly, out of the blue she says, "Pigeon poo is a lot dearer than horse poo."
After taking a moment or two to work out what the hell she was talking about,
I said, "That because you need a lot more pigeons than horses to get a bag full."
So folks, there's the question. What else could you say?
Ghost
Having horses myself and having to clean out the stables twice a day, all I can say is there is definitely NO money in it and it would be easier to collect bird s@#t from the bottom of a cage I would imagine ???
That reminds me of a ditty my father taught me as a kid ...
Birdie Birdie in the sky;
Dropped some white stuff in my eye
I’m a big boy I won’t cry
I’m just glad cows don’t fly
LMFAO Ditto Jamo, we have cows too and the bull's s@#t's are monsters, would surely bury me :D
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Bob was digging all day in hard rock at his favourite fossicking site, with no success. Hot, tired and sweaty, he looks skyward and says....
Lord, if you find me a nice crystal I promise I will go to church every sunday for the rest of my life, and I will give up drinking.
When he looked down, there was a nice blue beryl poking up out the rock. Bob looked up again and said....
Never mind.... I found one!
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The suburb of Notinservice is very well catered for with public transport.
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I recently picked a new G.P. doctor.
After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I've just reached 65).
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 85?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?
'Oh not much grog these days and don't smoke' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks, fatty roasts and barbecued Ribs?
'I said, 'Not much.... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, surfing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lots of sex?'
'No,' I said...
He looked at me and said,.. 'Then, why on earth do you want to live to 85?
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;D That's a good one Bluey.. beers
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THAT A GOOD'N ;D KEEP THEM COMING! beers
Regards
Mario.S. :) :) beers
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ROFL guys, I needed those laughs. :)
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One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy shop, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon. He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist. "Could you taste this for me, please ?"
The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it. "Does that taste sweet to you ?" asks Paddy. "No, not at all," says the chemist. "Oh that's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."
This was just sent to me at work, I liked it so much. ;D I thought I share it with you all.
Regards Mario.S.
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WHAT ELSE COULD YOU SAY?
Was out driving this morning. Busy keeping the car on the road while the wife read all the little road signs to herself.
Suddenly, out of the blue she says, "Pigeon poo is a lot dearer than horse poo."
After taking a moment or two to work out what the hell she was talking about,
I said, "That because you need a lot more pigeons than horses to get a bag full."
So folks, there's the question. What else could you say?
Ghost
Having horses myself and having to clean out the stables twice a day, all I can say is there is definitely NO money in it and it would be easier to collect bird s@#t from the bottom of a cage I would imagine ???
That reminds me of a ditty my father taught me as a kid ...
Birdie Birdie in the sky;
Dropped some white stuff in my eye
I’m a big boy I won’t cry
I’m just glad cows don’t fly
LMFAO Ditto Jamo, we have cows too and the bull's s@#t's are monsters, would surely bury me :D
That reminds me of an incident I had when I was working in Dubai. Showered and clean and off to the evening markets and a bird flew across, let fly, it went between my specs and eyes, brushed my eyelashes and cheek and landed on my chest. I am very glad it wasn't a cow. Bet he was laughing fit to bust when he saw what a classic shot that was.
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Just found this gem.
"Some people were lucky enough to be born smart, while others were even smarter and got born lucky.~ Ed Seykota"
Pity I'm neither lucky nor smart.
Regards, Ghost
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Just found this gem.
"Some people were lucky enough to be born smart, while others were even smarter and got born lucky.~ Ed Seykota"
Pity I'm neither lucky nor smart.
Regards, Ghost
Dunno ghost. Your pretty smart to be on ALF! ;D
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WHEN I'M 100, IF I LEAN A LITTLE, LET ME!!
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the
activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.
Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she
needed to communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the
right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and
stuffed pillows on her right side.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the
family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left side.
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed
her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said ...
"Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the
nephew...
'Mongrels won't let me fart!'
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Now that deserves (**A... Ah can you hold on a sec..................Ah that better**) a thumbs up! ;) ;)
Mario beers
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A fossicker was in a cave, looking for treasure. He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out. The genie said "I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double." The man agreed, and said "I wish I had a mansion." The genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions. The man said "I would like a million dollars." The genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million dollars. Then the man said, "Scare me half to death."
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Little Johny was at school when his teacher said to everyone to get the fist word youre famaly sais So he went Home and the first thing his mother said was shut upp then he went to his big brothers room and the first thing he said was na na na na batman then he went to his sisters room and she said yer yer yer yer and then he went to his little brothers room and he said in my little broom broom car so he went to school the next day and he said shut upp the teacher said what who do you think you are he said nanananana batman and then she said do you want detention he said ye ye ye ye so she said how do you think you will get away with this he said in my little broom broom car
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Little Johny was at school when his teacher said to everyone to get the fist word youre famaly sais So he went Home and the first thing his mother said was shut upp then he went to his big brothers room and the first thing he said was na na na na batman then he went to his sisters room and she said yer yer yer yer and then he went to his little brothers room and he said in my little broom broom car so he went to school the next day and he said shut upp the teacher said what who do you think you are he said nanananana batman and then she said do you want detention he said ye ye ye ye so she said how do you think you will get away with this he said in my little broom broom car
;D Thanks for sharing Smokey
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CROW DEATHS
Researchers for the RSPB found over 200 dead crows in Camborne recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu.
The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.
By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
The RSPB then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah," not a single one could shout "Truck."
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I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.
A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.'
I told him 'I wish I had your will power.'
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cawww, That's just too cruel Bluey!!
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When I was a kid, I was told if I pulled a silly face, it might stay that way. Now I suck in my tummy and hope they were right.
.
.
.
Actually, when I look in the mirror to shave, i think perhaps they were.
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For the computer nerds out there ...
A guy was walking beside a pond when a frog jumped out and told him that she was really a beautiful princess and if he were to kiss her, she would make him VERY happy! He picked up the frog and put it into his pocket.
A few minutes later, the frog poked her head out and said, "Didn't you hear me?! I'm a beautiful princess and if you kiss me I will stay with you and do ANYTHING you want!"
The guy took the frog out and said, "Look, I understand what you are saying, but I am a computer programmer and right now I don't have time for a girlfriend,........but a talking FROG is REALLY, REALLY COOL!"
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Two blondes were driving out to Disneyland.
They saw a sign that said "Disneyland Left".
They started crying, turned around and went home.
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Article Headline not very well thought through.
"Injured race car driver making slow recovery after fatal crash"
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Article Headline not very well thought through.
"Injured race car driver making slow recovery after fatal crash"
I saw that headline on Google News and had the same reaction.
An awful situation but not a great way of reporting it.
cheers
Leah
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I couldn't resist posting this one, I just hope I'm not overstepping the censorship boundaries?
Daddy , how was I born?
A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'
The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you
will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
You got Male
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very witty...made me laugh !!
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Love it..hahaha very funny and very appropriate ;D
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Very funny Malachi ;D ;D
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Two blondes walked into a bar.................... The third one ducked.
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Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.
"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, and God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Tool, it says here that he was 95 when he died." Just then, Seamus yells out, "Hey, here's a fella that got to be 145!"
"What was his name?" asks Paddy. Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."
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Good one !!
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The Irish Millionaire
Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'
and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.
"You've done very well so far," said the show's presenter,
"but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend.
Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"
"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"
"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?
a) Sparrow
b) Thrush
c) Magpie
d) Cuckoo
"I haven't got a clue." said Mick,
''So I'll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin”
Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and
repeated the question to him.
"Dat's simple cried paddy, it's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm sure."
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris ,
"I'll go with cuckoo as my answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris .
"Dat it is."
There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed,
"Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million euros!"
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know
it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"
"Because he lives in a clock!" ;D
Mario beers
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I got one
What did buzz aldren say to his fans?
Neil before me.
( sorry if the name is mispelt )
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I am currently reading a book about anti-gravity.
I cannot put it down.
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Read this and had a laugh so thought you might enjoy it...
This is a letter a Grandma to her granddaughter. She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:
Dear Granddaughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed!
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that lots of people love Jesus! While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed,"For the love of God! Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked Joey, your 15 year old cousin, in the back seat what that meant. He said, "It is probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something". Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back! Joey burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!
Will write again soon.
Love,
Grandma
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Sad news at the Nestle factory today when a member of staff was seriously injured when a pallet of chocolate fell more than 50 feet and crushed him underneath.
He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he shouted “The milky bars are on me” everyone cheered.
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haha that's funny Bluey
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Q. What do you get if you cross the English cricket team with an OXO cube?
A. A laughing stock.
Q. What’s the height of optimism?
A. English batsman putting on sunscreen.
Q. What’s the difference between an English batsman and a Formula 1 car?
A. Nothing! If you blink you’ll miss them both.
Q. What do English batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.
Q. What does an English batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson?
A. They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.
Q. What is the difference between Cinderella and the Pommies?
A. Cinderella knew when to leave the ball.
Q. What's the difference between the Pommies and a funeral director?
A. A funeral director isn't going to lose the ashes.
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Q. What do you get if you cross the English cricket team with an OXO cube?
A. A laughing stock.
Q. What’s the height of optimism?
A. English batsman putting on sunscreen.
Q. What’s the difference between an English batsman and a Formula 1 car?
A. Nothing! If you blink you’ll miss them both.
Q. What do English batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.
Q. What does an English batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson?
A. They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.
Q. What is the difference between Cinderella and the Pommies?
A. Cinderella knew when to leave the ball.
Q. What's the difference between the Pommies and a funeral director?
A. A funeral director isn't going to lose the ashes.
LOL, apologies and commiserations should probably go to the English on the board :P
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Dont know about you but Ive been doing an Irish Jig since the ashes started
Regards Anthony Fitzgerald
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ouch
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The cricket joke was on us 6 months ago!!! LOL
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Life just gets better as you get older doesn't it.
I was in a Coffee shop recently when my stomach started rumbling and
I realized that I desperately needed to break wind.
The place was packed but the music was really loud so to get
relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my farts to the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs I started to feel much better. I finished
my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me.
I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my IPod.
This is what happens when old people start using technology.
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Ha ha!! Too true!!
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Us old "farts" can relate to that. beers
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Seeing we are on the subject of wind...
A Dear Old lady goes in to see the Doctor
Doctor says "What seems to be the problem,Madam"?
She says" Well doctor you may not realise it but while I have been sitting here I'm constantly passing wind. Thankfully they are very ,very quiet and they don't smell at all".
"Right", says the Doc. "Take two of "these for a week and come back next Thursday.
Next Thursday the old duck is back and she says," Oh Doctor I don't know what that is I'm taking but now when I pass wind it's still very very quiet but they "smell "so terribly bad."
"Right. Right", say's the Doc. "That's good. Now we've cleared your sinuses, we'll see what we can do about your hearing."
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Ahahaha pmsl Malachi, nice one.
A few groans in here but they do say oldies are goodies.
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I just nicked a joint of beef from Woollies.
Security guard ran after me shouting hey you what u doing with that?
I shouted Mash, peas, carrots n gravy you nosy bugger!
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The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night.
I told her I was looking for cheap flights.
"I love you!" she said, and then she got all excited, she quickly undressed and we had the most amazing sex ever....
Which is odd, because she's never shown an interest in darts before!!
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The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they Offered a standing $1,000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron.
Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried.... over time: weightlifters, blacksmiths, etc., but nobody could do it.
One day, this scrawny little fellow came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a small voice, "I'd like to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, "OK"; grabbed the lemon; and squeezed away.
Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little fellow.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence.... as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon.... and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000, and asked the little man:
"What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, what?"
The little fellow quietly replied:
"I work for the Australian Tax Office." beers
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Good one drids! ;D
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He might be used to squeezing other things that produce drops as well.....tear drops.
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Ha Ha!! They say you can't get blood from a stone but the Tax Department seem to be able to!!! LOL
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How true,waiting for a fishes a.. joke now
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THESE ARE ENTRIES TO THE ELLESMERE PORT JOURNAL COMPETITION
ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE,
AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:
1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.
2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I wake up screaming.
3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not..
4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.
5. I thought that I could love no other
-- that is until I met your brother...
6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.
8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
10. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING?
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Watch out on Valentine's Day!!
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And I will always love you like no other
As long as you don't turn out like your mother...........
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Ha Ha I like it Mick!!!
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Police were called to a day care Center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. ;D
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One day my housework-challenged husband Scott decided to wash his sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me:
‘Tash, what setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
Scott yelled back, ' GO QUEENSLAND! '
And they say blondes are dumb....
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------
A couple is lying in bed. The man says: 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world....'
The woman replies: 'I'll miss you.......
------------ --------- -------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Scott says as he stepped out of the shower. 'Honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
------------ --------- --------- --------- ----
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour.
------------ --------- --------- --------- ----
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; love to forgive him; and patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for strength, I'll beat him to death.
------------ --------- --------- ---------
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
------------ --------- --------- --------- ------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the email folder 'Instruction Manuals'.
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Woman:
Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes
Woman:
How many beers a day?
Man:
Usually about 3
Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip
(This is where it gets scary !)
Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?
Man:
About 20 years, I suppose
Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450.
In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up
interest savings account and, after accounting for compound interest over the past 20 years, you
could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man:
Do you drink beer?
Woman:
No
Man:
Where’s your Ferrari?
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Ha Ha, love it!!! Not often you win an argument with a female!!!
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Been away a while, very busy up here in the cold. So let me pay back some of these great jokes. Got a guy who calls me once in a while with new ones.
_________________________________________________________________
Fellow marries a woman and confesses to her he has a real problem with self-restraint around strange women, but he'll do his best to behave.
One day, cleaning, she saw a box under the bed marked "Do not open".
She asked him about it and he made her promise never to open it.
After decades of marriage, one day, temptation overcomes her and she opens it.
Inside are three empty beer cans and $80,000.
She finally confronted him. he said, "I tried so hard to be true to you, that whenever I strayed, I put a beer can in the box to remind myself never to do it again."
She said, "Well after all these years, for someone like you that is pretty good. I'll forgive you for that."
"Oh, thank you.."
"But..what's the $80,000 for?"
"Well, when the box fills up, naturally, I cash in the cans...."
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Nice one Gearloose and welcome back! Good to hear that you've survived the northern winter (a real doosie by all reports). Bit different to southern parts of Oz at the moment.
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Thirsty work!!!
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Albert and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 50th anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces: “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have
some very bad news.
Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing.
Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.
An hour later Albert turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our Visa and MasterCard bill yet?"
"No, sweetheart," she responds.
Albert, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"
"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the cheque," she says.
"One last thing Esther. Did you remember to send the income tax cheque to the HMRC this month?" he asks.
"Oh, forgive me, Albert, "begged Esther." I didn't send that one, either."
Albert grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.
Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"
Albert answers, "They'll find us!"
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drids
Bet Albert isn't so happy when he sees all the late fees though. :P
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No hiding from the Tax man Mick!!!
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BEST PICK UP LINE for Valentines Day:
Our Daren walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman..
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
'No', he replies, 'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was
just testing it..'
The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch?
''What's so special about it?'
Our Daren explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'
Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers.'
The woman giggles and replies
'Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!'
Our Daren smiles, taps his watch and says,
'Bloody thing's an hour fast!'
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Good one drids.
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At a fabric store, a pretty girl spots a nice material for a dress and asks the male clerk: How much does it costs? “Only one kiss per yard,” replied the male clerk with a smirk. “That’s fine,” said the girl. I’ll take ten yards.” With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, and then teasingly held it out. The girl took the bag and pointed to the old man standing beside her, and smiled, “Grandpa will pay the bill.”
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Ha Ha, that would be my luck!!!
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Two young blokes are in a pub talking.
Geez says the first . I'm worn out.
Too much work say's the second young bloke.
No ,too much sex. hotthirsty It's my girlfriend, she just wants to have sex all the time and I'm worn out. I don't know what to do.
An old timer down the bar over hears the conversation and looks up from his beer.
Why don't you just marry her, he says. That's sure to put a stop to it.
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Mr Jones an elderly gentleman of 90 walks into the doctors surgery, the receptionist said, "Good Morning Mr Jones and what is your problem", Mr Jones says,"I can't do ;) a piss!" the receptionist says,"Mr Jones you cant say that, now go outside and come back in and when I ask you what your problem is, you say I have a sore ear". Mr Jones does what he is told and comes back in, the receptionist says,"Good morning Mr Jones what are you here for this morning", Mr Jones says, "I'm having trouble with my ear", and the receptionist says, "What is wrong with your ear?" Mr Jones says, "I can't piss out of IT".
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Top class jokes everyone. 10/10 Please keep them coming, its nice that they been so frequent. ;D
Mario beers
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Nothing wrong with enjoying and sharing a good laugh!!!
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Got this one in my inbox today.
Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders
EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT.
SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM:
'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'
'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'
'How much do you charge?'
'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.
'I'll sleep on it,' I said..
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.
'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'
'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'
'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!'
FORGET THE SHRINKS..
HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER!
May your troubles be less, Your blessings be more
And nothing but happiness come through your door!
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And another one.
A DAY AT THE RACES.
Two female teachers took a group of students from grades 1, 2 and 3 for a field trip to Flemington Racecourse. When it was time to take the children to the 'bathroom', it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the little boys with their pants, and began hoisting them up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes and shake them dry.
As she lifted one boy up, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring at his equipment the teacher said, 'You must be in Grade 3?
'No ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Black Caviar in the next race, but I really appreciate your help.
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An Irish man walks into a pub with a shoe box. He puts the box on the bar and while asking for a drink a little 8 inch long piano player jumps out of the box and starts playing this beautiful little piano concerto in C minor.
The bartender looks and says. Holy Mother of Mercy Mick, Where did you get that little fella, who plays the piano so sweetly.
Well Pat says mick. I was down the back garden and I helped save a little leprechaun from drowning in the pond.
The little Leprechaun was so pleased he gave me a wish.
And you wished for an 8 inch long piano player, says Pat
No ,No says Mick. it's me wedding anniversary tonight and seeing I'm not so well endowed I thought I'd wish for something so that I would give Molly a bit of extra joy tonight but I didn't know the leprechaun was a bit hard of hearing and now I've got an 8 inch pianist instead. :-X
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Mick O'Grady has just married the love of his life, Jenny O'Malley, Father O'Shanessy blesses them and wishes them a long and happy marraige with plenty of little uns. Five years go by and one Saturday morning Father O'Shanessy runs into Mrs O'Ggrady and says, "How might you be this foin morning Jenny/" "foin she's sees father," and how might young Mick be and have you any children yet?", "Micks fine boot no children father", "Heavens" says the father "Good catholic girl and no children, may the saints preserve us, Im heading off to Rome next week, Ill say a prayer for you and Mick and light a candle in the Cisteen chappel for you".
Ten years goes by and Father O'shanessy runs into Mrs O'Gray, they exchanges plesentries and father O'Shanessy ask about children, Mrs O'Grady says, "I have eight children two sets of twins, five boys and three girls", Ah says the father thats more like it, and hows your husband Mick these days", "Oh Micks fine", says Mrs O'Grady, "and what may he be oop to these days", well she says, "Micks in Rome at the moment", "And why might he be there asked the Father", Mrs O'Gray replies " His gone to visit the Cisteen Chappel to blow that fooken candle OUT!?
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In parochial school students are taught that lying is a sin.
However, Instructors also advised that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the Truth differently without lying. Below is a perfect example of those teachings:
Getting a Hairdryer through Customs.
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her,
'Father, may I ask a favour?'
'Of course child, what may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday.
It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.
Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me?
Hide it under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked,
'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so asked,
'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next please!' ;D
Mario beers
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beers beers beers ;D beers
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An Aussie is on holiday and a yank has him by the ear. ya'all he boasts. In Texas everything is big. The State of Texas is big. Our oil wells thays big. our cattle farms thays are big. I'm a pumpkin grower and I grow the biggest god damn pumpkins in the whole of this god damned world.
Why the other day I picked one pumpkin and it was so big a pig and a litter of twelve piglets ran out of a hole in the side of it.
Say you there Aussiefeller, what do you god damned think of that.
The Aussie seeing him for what he is says ,mate I don't know much about Texas but in Oz I'm a boilermaker. One day i was on top of this vessel and I dropped my welding helmet and I caught it the next morning just before it hit the ground.
God damned boy,Are you being straight with me. Why the hell would anyone want a vessel that big .
The Aussie say's ," to boil up your bloody pumpkin
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Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar.
After a while, one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think,
from listening to you, that you're from Ireland.'
The other woman responds proudly, 'yes, I shure am!'
The first one says, 'so am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from?'
The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin, I am.'
The first one responds, 'so, am I!! And what street did you live on in Dublin ?'
The other woman says, 'a lovely little area. It was in the west end. I lived
on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'
The first one says, 'Faith and begorrah it's a small world. So did I! So did
I. And what school did ya go to?'
The other woman answers, 'well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course.'
The first one gets really excited and says, 'and so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?'
The other woman answers, 'well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'
The first woman exclaims, 'the Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can
hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you
believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self!'
About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and 'it's going
to be a long night tonight.'
Michael asks, 'why do you say that, Brian.'
Brian, 'the Murphy twins are drunk again!"
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The Blonde and the Lord
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing.
She'd seen many books on the subject,
and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.
After positioning her comfy footstool,
she started to make a circular cut in the ice.
Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice,
poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole.
Again from the heavens the voice bellowed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
The blonde, now worried, moved away,
clear down to the opposite end of the ice.
She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.
The voice came once more,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
She stopped, looked skyward, and said,
"IS THAT YOU LORD?"
The voice replied,
"NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK"
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An Aussie is on holiday and a yank has him by the ear. ya'all he boasts. In Texas everything is big. The State of Texas is big.
I spent enough time in Texas to have wondered many times what would happen if a Texan met an Aussie. I suspected it would be quite funny, and they'd probably get along quite well.
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A Lawyer joke
The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying,"Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that."
"Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children."
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.
"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children one of whom is disabled and another has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm sorry, I had no idea"
And the lawyer says, "So... if I didn't give any money to them, what in the hell makes you think I'd ever give any to you?
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Two Cows:
TWO COWS ~{Matthias Varga}
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk
FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk
NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then
throws the milk away
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy
grows.
You sell them and retire on the income
ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by
your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption
for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.
SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to
produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why
the cow has dropped dead.
A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds,
dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds.
You still only have two cows.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three
cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce
twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and
market it worldwide.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows,
but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive...
-
Great jokes everyone. The last joke reminded me about this clip on 'Mad Cow' disease. Enjoy!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S6ag1bIabg0 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S6ag1bIabg0)
-
OK, help me out here. A joke is a joke, but..
WHAT is going on Down There???
http://news.yahoo.com/thieves-off-giant-australian-mango-001401248.html (http://news.yahoo.com/thieves-off-giant-australian-mango-001401248.html)
-
Ok. I'm sorry. I was hungry. Forgive me. Do you want the peel back?
-
OK, help me out here. A joke is a joke, but..
WHAT is going on Down There???
http://news.yahoo.com/thieves-off-giant-australian-mango-001401248.html (http://news.yahoo.com/thieves-off-giant-australian-mango-001401248.html)
Scavenger hunt?
-
Probably took it to Texas, painted it, and called it a grape. ;D
-
Re Bowen Mango: Dont Panic - must not have been quite ripe because thieves left it behind in the bushes.
http://www.whitsundaytimes.com.au/news/if-you-see-big-mango-back-truck-call-bowen/2178945/ (http://www.whitsundaytimes.com.au/news/if-you-see-big-mango-back-truck-call-bowen/2178945/)
cheers
Leah
-
Publicity stunt from what I heard.
It worked.
-
I saw a pic on facebook where it was in Gemtree's dam!!!
-
Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.
All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering,
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!
He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about,.
'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'
The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back,
it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.
Just then they came upon another cave.
The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered,
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'
Immediately, there was the answer.
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.
He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.
The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave.
As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, 'Hoo, man!
Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found.
There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'
He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call,
'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face,
he raced into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read...............
NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!
-
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and
got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that darling, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
-
I was in a pub in far Western Queensland last Saturday night, when this really brutally
ugly girl came up to me, squeezed my arse and said, "Give me your number, sexy."
I replied "Have you got a pen?"
She smiled and said "Yes."
I replied, "Well you better get back to it, before the farmer notices you're missing."
-
GOOD BYE GRANDPA
A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mummy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say, "God bless Mummy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy took two stuffed dogs to the 'Antiques Roadshow' for assessment.
"Ooh!" the presenter said, "This is a very rare set produced by the Johns Brothers Celebrated Taxidermists. They operated in London at the turn of last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"
"Sticks," replied Paddy.
-
drids and mangomick,
very funny. ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Wayne.
-
The ATO decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to their office.
The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his lawyer.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the ATO finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's lawyer as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own lawyer moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the lawyer. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
-
Good one Makky.
-
Love it!!!
Keep them coming everyone!!
-
Brilliant, Makky.
-
A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16 year olds. She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun kicking a football.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
'You ok?' she says.
'Yes.' he says..
'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says.
'It's best if I stay here.' he says.
'Why's that sweetie?' says the blonde.
The boy looks at her incredulously and says:-
"Because I'm the goal keeper !!!"
-
Another Gem Mick!!! LOL
THE DEAD COW LECTURE
First-year students at the Queensland Academy Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor.
The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the
animal's body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the arse of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the arse of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said,
"The second most important quality is observation.
I stuck my middle finger in its arse and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."
-
Drids ;D ;D ;D.....That's disgusting
-
Ha Ha. Cow country down here Mick!! Would leave an ordinary taste in the mouth!!!
How about this one.
If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and
thinking things through, you will love this!
Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.
The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a
wall.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant
business He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a
week. Why?"
The CEO said, "Wait right here."
He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the
guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay.
Now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and
asked,
"Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
-
A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who liked to wear
very short skirts and thong panties.
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant
and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has
a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.
The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin
bread located on the very top shelf.
The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an
excellent view, just as he thought.
When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two
loaves.
As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the
other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of
raisin bread.
After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "Why
the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"
Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men
standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the
crowd.
Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the
elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"
"No," he stammers, "But it's quiverin' a little." !!!
-
A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman, " Can I have a pint of beer,
and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please ? "
The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a
ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.
The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.
The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.
The next night, the pub is packed. In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'
The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.
The next night there is standing room only in the pub.
Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.
The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year!!!
In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman,
The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties...'
The rabbit looks aghast.
The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, 'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.'
The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.'
The masses' bated breath is ear shatteringly silent..
The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.'
'Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'
The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.
He then waves to the crowd and leaves....
NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!
-----
One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman,
(who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.
When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar..
The barman says, 'Who are you?',
To which he is answered,
'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'
The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous.
You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'
The rabbit says, 'Yes I know..'
The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'
The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.
The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'
'I DIED', said the rabbit.
'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?'
After a short pause, the rabbit said...
'Mixin-me-toasties.'
-
Alcohol will not solve your problems.
But then again, neither will milk.
-
Its only when a mosquito lands on your testicles that you realise violence won't solve everything !
-
Very true Klingon. Ha Ha Ha!!
-
Saw a girl texting and driving the other day, and it really, really annoyed me.
So I wound down my window and threw my beer at her. :P
-
God said, "Adam, I want you to do
something for Me."
Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You
want me to do?"
God said, "Go down into that valley."
Adam said, "What's a valley?"
God explained it to him. Then God said,
"Cross the river."
Adam said, "What's a river?"
God explained that to him, and then said,
"Go over to the hill...."
Adam said, "What’s a hill?"
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, "On the other side of the
hill you will find a cave."
Adam said, 'What's a cave?'
After God explained, He said, "In the cave
you will find a woman."
Adam said, "What's a woman?'
So God explained that to him, too.
Then, God said, 'I want you to reproduce."
Adam said, "How do I do that?"
God first said (under His breath), "Geez....."
And then, just like everything else, God explained
that to Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river,
and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.
Then, in about five minutes, he was back.
God, His patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What
is it now?"
And Adam said....
*
What's a headache?"
;D ;)
-
About right!!! LOL
-
Australian Love Poem
Of course I love ya darlin
You're a bloody top-notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word
So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin' there to grab
So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there
No Sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best
I'm tellin' ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think it’s very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs
I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get
No matter what u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the cricket’s on
And fetch another beer
-
A good read Mick!!!
-
A husband went to police station for filing a report for his missing wife:
Husband :-I lost my wife, she went shopping and has not returned.
Inspector :-What is her height ?
Husband:- I'm not too sure.
Inspector :-Slim or heavy?
Husband:- Not slim exactly.
Inspector :-Colour of eyes ?
Husband :-Never noticed.
Inspector :-Colour of hair ?
Husband :-Changes according to season.
Inspector :-What was she wearing?
Husband :-Jeans/suit/ I don’t remember exactly.
Inspector :-Was she in a car?
Husband :-yes.
Inspector :-tell me the number, name and colour of the car ?
Husband :-Black Audi A8 with super charged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tip tronic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door. My new custom fit golf clubs, Powacaddy electric trolley are in the boot ….
(and then the husband started crying...)
Inspector:-Don't worry sir,... . .We'll find your car.
-
He must have been grief stricken because he forgot to mention the Cold Weather package the Audi has which has heated steering wheel, heated rear seats and the center rear-seat pass-through including a ski bag.
The front leather seats come heated as standard ::)
-
What, no sunroof?
-
The Vice Squad raid a Den of Ill Repute and inside they find a China man ."Right," says the Copper. "Im Detective Plod. You are going to be arrested for soliciting Sex . Whats your name ?" The China man with a puzzled look on his face, says, " I'm Ting".
"Right, Ting" ,says the Copper ,"wait here and I'll deal with you in a minute."
They bust into one of the rooms and here's another Chinaman ,in bed with one of the working girls.
He grabs the Chinaman by his pigtail and says,"Right you ,get out here. You are under arrest and you are going to be charged for soliciting sex. Whats your name?" The Chinaman with an indignant look on his face says, I'm Ting.
What ? says the Copper." Do you think I came down in the last storm". You can't both be Ting".
Yes say's the Chinaman . I'm Roo Ting :-X and he's Wai Ting
-
SHE WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCHING POST. AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER. THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, "HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?"
THE OLDER WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO, I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."
A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID, "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.
THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR -- NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF -- STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING. WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.
THE OLDER WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS. THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR. THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.
THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS, TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING. THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLDER WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS. THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLDER WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID,
"SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S ASS?"
THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO M'AM... BUT... I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO."
THERE ARE A FEW LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:
1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with older women. They didn't get old by being stupid...
-
Good one Gearloose! Here's another
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The Engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer enquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."
-
The Murder Trial.
Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?
Old Lady:
I am 84 years old.
Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,
When a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?
Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?
Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?
Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Al died some 20 years ago.
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Old Lady:
He began to rub all over my body.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?
Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so spicy' that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'
Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?
Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!’
And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.
-
Fair enough too!!!Ha Ha
-
Love IT
hotthirsty
-
The front leather seats come heated as standard
Have to tell you something that really happened a few years ago.
A gemcutter friend bought an older Jaguar XJ40. It was in great shape.
He had a friend, an old guy in his 80's who taught him faceting years ago.
My friend was showing him the car, taking him for a drive, and began playing with buttons and switches.
After a few miles, the old guy shouted, "DAVE!! Find a gas station or restroom fast!! I think I just crapped myself!"
One of the switches was the passenger seat heater.
-
A great mix of jokes fellas. Loved them. ;D ;)
Mario beers
-
A passenger seat heater??
-
Two Irish hunters get a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They
bag six.
As Paddy and Mick start loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot
says "The plane can only take four of those."
The two lads object strongly. "Last year we shot six, and the pilot let
us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and all six are loaded. However, even
with full power, the little plane can't handle the load and down it goes
and crashes in the middle of nowhere.
A few moments later, climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asks Mick,
"Any idea where we are?"
"I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year." Says Mick.
-
EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM:
I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under It. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.
Just put yourself in my hands for one year, said the shrink. Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.
How much do you charge?
Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor.
I'll sleep on it, I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having? He asked.
Well, Eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year, is $12,480.00. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup truck.
Is that so? With a bit of an attitude he said, and how, may I ask, did a Bartender cure you?
He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now.
FORGET THE SHRINKS..
HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER!
IT'S ALWAYS BETTER TO GET A SECOND OPINION
-
A guy in a taxi needed to give the driver some additional directions so so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder.
The driver screamed, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over. The taxi mounted the curb, demolished a lamp post, almost hit a bus, just dodged some pedestrians and finally came to a stop inches from a large plate glass window.
The startled passenger said “I didn’t mean to frighten you, I just wanted to tel you something.”
The taxi driver says “It’s not your fault sir. It’s my first day as a cab driver…
I’ve been driving a hearse for the past 25 years.”
cheers
Leah
-
Ahahahaaa, wasn't expecting that. :D
-
.......neither was he!
-
Git back in yer box! :P ;D
-
One day, Jimmy Jones was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Johnny driving a brand new pickup.
Johnny pulled up to him with a wide grin. 'Johnny, where'd you git that truck?'
'Suzie May give it to me.' Johnny replied.
'She give it to ya?
I know'd she wuz kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?'
'Well, Jimmy Jones, let me tell you what happened.
We wuz drivin' out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowheres.
Suzie May pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, 'Johnny, take whatever you want.'
So I took the truck!' ;D ;D ;D
'Johnny, yore shore are a smart man! Them clothes woulda never fit you.
Malachi beers
-
;) I like the principle.
-
PRIEST'S RETIREMENT DINNER.
A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner..
However, since the politician was delayed, the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs and gave VD to his cousin. I was appalled. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived, said the politician. In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.
Moral: Never, Never, Ever Be Late!
-
I love it.
-
Young Mary McGinly gives birth to a fine young baby girl but because of the ordeal she was too tired to give the nurses a name so the Nurses ask Marys Uncle Paddy what name they should put on the birth certificate.
When Mary comes round the nurses say to Mary, that's a fine name you've given your young baby daughter. Mary says but I haven't given any one the name yet and the Nurses say ,your Uncle Paddy gave us the name.
Holy Mother of Christ says Mary. Not Uncle Paddy. He's a drunken Bum who hasnt got the brains he was born with. Oh my Goodness. What name did he give my precious baby daughter.
The nurses say, he named her Deniece.
Oh says Mary quite surprised, thats quite a nice name. I must say I'm surprised that Uncle Paddy could come up with such a pretty name.
Right then Uncle Paddy comes into the room. That's a wonderful name you have given my baby daughter Uncle paddy. Out of curiosity what name would you have given the nurses if it was a little boy?
Paddy with one too many beers under his belt looks at Mary and the Nurses and says a little indignantly,
Well Denephew,of course
-
A senior citizen drove his brand new Holden Senator out of the dealership.
Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 120 kph, enjoying the power of the car .
"Amazing," he thought as he flew down the F3, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a highway patrol car, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
He floored it to 140 kph, then 180kph, then suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the copper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the copper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the car.
He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes.
Today is Friday.
If you can give me a new reason for speeding - a reason I've never before heard - I'll let you go.."
The old gentleman paused then said, "Thirty three years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman; I thought you were bringing her back." :o :o :o
"Have a good day, Sir," replied the copper.
Malachi beers ;D
-
There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.
An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing." God nodded in agreement.
The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away. A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.
The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him."
God smiled. "Think about it -- who can he tell?"
;D ;D ;D
Malachi beers
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An attorney arrived home late,after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.His last minute plea for clemency to the govener had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home,his wife started on him about,"What time of the night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it." she went on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual,he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs. While he was in the tub the phone rang.
The wife answered and was told that the husband's client, James Wright had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.
He whirled around and screamed, "For the love of God woman, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!"
-
Perhaps some of you can relate to this one.
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other," Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" "Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great." "That's great! And what was the name of the clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"
-
LOL Jamo
-
A few Quickies
> Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador .
> "Blow that" says Mick, have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
>
> I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.
> As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a
> coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.
> I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!
>
> My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to
> our local pet shop and they were £70!!!
> Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.>
>
> I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could
> check her balance, so I pushed her over.>
>
> I start a new job in Seoul next week.
> I thought it was a good Korea move.>
>
> I was driving this morning when I saw a parked NRMA van.
> The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
> I thought to myself, that guy's heading for a breakdown.>
>
> Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.>
>
> My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you
> believe that 2:30am?!
> Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
>
> The wife has been missing a week now.
> Police said to prepare for the worst.
> So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.>
> Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six
> people in the rear in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be
> following some kind of pattern.>
>
> Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!>
>
> Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the
> head with a tennis ball.
> It was a lovely service.
-
Life is a revolving door.
At age 4: success is not peeing in your pants
At Age 12: success is having friends
At age 16: success is having a drivers licence.
At age 20: success is having sex.
At Age 35: success is having money
At age 50 success is having money
At age 60: success is having sex
At age 70: success is having a driver's licence
At age 75: success is having friends.
At age 80: success is not peeing in your pants.
-
Good jokes fellas! ;D
-
Good I still have my drivers licence.
-
Is 3 out of 5 good ?
-
Depends which 3.
-
;D Good, that means I'm a success at something. beers
-
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint.
He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.
However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.
She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 106 Rose Cottage Lane ?'
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact,my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'
The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'
'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me..How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'
The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'
The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.
-
A recommended read:
"Touring Bangkok" by Rick Shaw
-
Amazing, I never really realised that there was an official 'talk like a pirate day'. But apparently its true and apparently it's today. So here is a pirate joke ...
What do pirates do on their holidays? They get some ahhhhhrrrrr & ahhhhhrrrrr!
-
Haaarrrrh, haaarrrh, haaarrrh
-
Amazing, I never really realised that there was an official 'talk like a pirate day'. But apparently its true and apparently it's today. So here is a pirate joke ...
What do pirates do on their holidays? They get some ahhhhhrrrrr & ahhhhhrrrrr!
Captn Mendoza should have reminded us it was today :) Aaaargh
-
The Capt'n must be too busy out lookin' for buried treasure. Aye, that be what he be doin!
-
Try this one. I know how they feel. I have a similar problem balancing my budget.
http://www.mining.com/web/infographic-uncle-sams-accounting-is-suspect/ (http://www.mining.com/web/infographic-uncle-sams-accounting-is-suspect/)
Regards, Ghost.
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Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement home were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 86 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
:) beers
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Found this in Colin Twigs e-mail today.
From my good friend Anton Bryant:
GEORGE BERNARD SHAW to Winston Churchill:
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play;
bring a friend, if you have one."
CHURCHILL in response:
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second .... if there is one."
-
A man walks into a bar with a giraffe. They go up to the bar, order and order a couple or whiskies. The giraffe picks up his drink, skolls it, starts wobbling and promptly hits the floor. The man looks at the giraffe, drinks his whiskey and starts to leave the bar. The barman calls out "Oi mate! You cant leave that lyin' there!" The man turns back to the barman and says "mate, are you blind...that's not a lion, it's a giraffe"
-
During a lady's medical examination, the British doctor says,
"Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine.
Now let me see the part that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."
The lady starts taking off her undies but is interrupted by the doctor.
"No! No! Leave your knickers on ... Just stick out your tongue!"
-
English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger, and neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England nor French-fries in France.
It is a language of many paradoxes: quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship items by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
Why do you fill in a form by filling it out and how does an alarm go off by going on?
Why is it that when the stars are out they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
-
1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavoured mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men
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The captain of a sailing ship gets the call that a pirate shjp is off the port bow and pirates are heading their way in a rowing boat.. Man the battle stations the Captain yells and first mate, get me my red shirt.
The battle is short,the captain victorious.
Next day the seaman in the crows nest shouts out again. sir,there are two more pirate ships and 3 rowing boats with pirates heading our way.
Man the battle stations he yells and first mate bring my red shirt. The battle is over with heavy casualties to both sides.
The next day the crew ask the captain why just before battle he calls for his red shirt. He explains that should he be injured the men would not notice and would continue to fight on.
just then the seaman in the crows nest calls out. Captain, there are 10 pirate ships off the port bow and 30 rowing boats approaching with 300 pirates. Man the battle stations, the Captain orders and First mate,. Bring me my brown trousers......
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Just ran a tape measure over the garage. ... Darn, WON"T FIT!
http://www.mining.com/pic-of-the-day-big-truck-67721/ (http://www.mining.com/pic-of-the-day-big-truck-67721/)
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Just ran a tape measure over the garage. ... Darn, WON"T FIT!
http://www.mining.com/pic-of-the-day-big-truck-67721/ (http://www.mining.com/pic-of-the-day-big-truck-67721/)
Easily solved, build a bigger garage. I pity the neighbour who parks in your driveway. They would be no more than a speed bump!
-
A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other. ;D ;) beers
Malachi :D
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"Lexophilia is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless."
... When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
.. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
.. The batteries were given out free of charge.
.. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
.. A will is a dead giveaway
.. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
.. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
.. When you've seen one shopping cente eyou've seen a mall.
.. Police were summoned to a daycare centre where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
.. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's
all right now.
.. A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.
.. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
.. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
.. He had a photographic memory which was never fully developed.
.. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.
.. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.
And the cream of the twisted crop:
... Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.
-
Good word plays dughug! 8)
-
During a lady's medical examination, the Glen Innes doctor says,
"Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine.
Now let me see the part that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."
The lady starts taking off her undies but is interrupted by the doctor.
"No! No! Leave your knickers on ... Just stick out your tongue!"
-
During a lady's medical examination, the Glen Innes doctor says,
..
I can imagine our (Glen Innes) doctor saying something like that. Once while my very paranoid son was waiting for him to do something very minor, he handed over an old rusty pair of fencing pliers to his wife/practice manager and asked her to "try and sterilize these for the next patient".
The look on Patrick's face was very funny - he was pretty sure it was a joke but there was just a bit of lingering doubt which was hilarious for everyone else in the waiting room.
cheers
Leah
-
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift
I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer, cutting cabs, faceting..... Always something more important to me. Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 165 in about 2 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.
-
Incredible how funny politically incorrect jokes can be, isn't it? Thanks Dughug, started the day with a smile.
-
During a lady's medical examination, the Glen Innes doctor says,
..
I can imagine our (Glen Innes) doctor saying something like that. Once while my very paranoid son was waiting for him to do something very minor, he handed over an old rusty pair of fencing pliers to his wife/practice manager and asked her to "try and sterilize these for the next patient".
The look on Patrick's face was very funny - he was pretty sure it was a joke but there was just a bit of lingering doubt which was hilarious for everyone else in the waiting room.
cheers
Leah
It is good to have a doctor with a sense of humour. Should be more of them like it. Although those without a sense of humour wouldn't get the joke ;)
-
Just ran a tape measure over the garage. ... Darn, WON"T FIT!
http://www.mining.com/pic-of-the-day-big-truck-67721/ (http://www.mining.com/pic-of-the-day-big-truck-67721/)
It would take you a while to sieve that much dirt for sapphires.
-
lol very funny
-
I was driving home last night and passed a sign that said, "Victor Harbor 58". The next one said 55, and the next one 52.
I wish they would make up their mind!
-
JR, is this an age related yarn?
-
Probably!
-
AUSSIE Stuff - we all need a good groan now and again
In New South Wales:
A senior citizen drove his brand new Holden Senator out of the dealership.
Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 120 kph, enjoying the power of the car ...
"Amazing," he thought as he flew down the M3, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a highway patrol car, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
He sped to 160 kph, then floored it to 190kph, then suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the copper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the copper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the car.
He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday.
If you can give me a new reason for speeding - a reason I've never before heard - I'll let you go.."
The old gentleman paused then said, "Thirty three years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman; I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir," replied the copper.
In Queensland:
The owner of a golf course on the Gold Coast was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said,
"You graduated from the University of Queensland and I need some help. If I was to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
Across the ditch in Tasmania:
A senior citizen in Tasmania was overheard saying, "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be here."
When asked why, he replied,
"I'd rather be in Tasmania 'cause everything happens in Tasmania 20 years later than in the rest of the world."
Up in the Northern Territory:
The young man from NT came running into the store and said to his mate, "Johnno, somebody just stole your ute from the parking lot!"
Johnno replied, "Did ya see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
Over in Western Australia:
A WA highway patrol pulled over a car on the main road. The copper asked,
"Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "about what?";
Over in Victoria:
The copper pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his ute into the ditch.
The copper asked,
"Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."
"Yep," he replied.
"That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping’
Here in South Australia:
-
Nothing ever happens in South Australia.
-
Nothing ever happens in South Australia.
I heard that South Australia is proof that Tasmanians can swim 8)
-
Not sure why they would want to swim there though.....
-
Not sure why they would want to swim there though.....
I think they may have been heading for Victoria!
-
Would this never happen in Glen Innes ?????????
A big shot lawyer had to spend a couple of days in the hospital.
He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"
She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing.....
After about 20 minutes, the man's doctor came into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"
After a pause, the doctor confessed..... "Not with a Daffodil."
-
Chuckle, chuckle, chuckle.
-
I retold that one and it certainly got a laugh. Just put in the name of your least favourite grumpy boss & it is even funnier :-)
-
Australia Computer Terminology - Getting ready for Broadband in the bush!!
A little bit of Aussie culcha.
LOGON: Adding wood to make the barbie hotter.
LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the barbie.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the barbie.
DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the ute.
HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies.
KEYBOARD: Where you hang the ute keys.
WINDOWS: What you shut when the weather's cold.
SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season..
BYTE: What mozzies do
MEGABYTE: What Townsville mozzies do.
CHIP: A pub snack.
MICROCHIP: What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips.
MODEM: What you did to the lawns.
LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps.
SOFTWARE: Plastic knives and forks you get at Red Rooster.
HARDWARE: Stainless steel knives and forks - from K-Mart.
MOUSE: The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed.
MAINFRAME: What holds the shed up.
WEB: What spiders make.
WEBSITE: Usually in the shed or under the verandah.
SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the ute won't go.
CURSOR: What you say when the ute won't go.
YAHOO: What you say when the ute does go.
UPGRADE: A steep hill.
SERVER: The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
MAIL SERVER: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
USER: The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.
NETWORK: What you do when you need to repair the fishing net.
INTERNET: Where you want the fish to go.
NETSCAPE: What the fish do when they discover a hole in the net.
ONLINE: Where you hang the washing.
OFFLINE: Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren't strong enough.
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Some definitions to ponder-
1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men
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Rockhound & Lapidary T-Shirt Slogans :
* May the quartz be with you!
*Old lapidarians never die, they just recrystallize
*We Dig Mother Earth
*Follow me, I am looking for gold...
* Kiss a lapidarian and get your rocks off
*Lapidarians do it in the dirt
*Diamond saws are a girl’s best friend
*Be Daring - Cab It
*Ain’t nothin but a rock hound dog
*Trilobite Me
*We Will Rock You
*You’re a gem
*Rock Off
*I Dig Rocks
*I Dig Gold
*I Dig Fossils
*I Dig Crystals
*Lapidarians DIG The Dirt
*Lode Off My Mind
*I'm a lapidarian and I'm hung like a horst
*Lost a rock? I will find it for you
*Come Fossick With Me
*WARNING: Rockhound Going For Gold
*MAGMA
*Rock On
*I can make your bedrock.
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Paddy phoned the Jetstar booking desk.
"Yes sir and how many will be flying with you?"
"How would I know. It's your bloody plane."
Anyway he's on the booked flight sitting next to a Muslim man.
Paddy ordered a whisky.
The hostie brought his drink and asked the Muslim man if he'd like one.
"I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than have alcohol pass my lips," he replied.
Paddy passed his whisky back. "Me too," he said. "I didn't know we had a choice."
Cheers,
colza
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"Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless."
A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location. This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.
.. A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.
.. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
.. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
.. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
.. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.
.. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
.. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
.. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
.. The batteries were given out free of charge.
.. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
.. A will is a dead giveaway.
.. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
.. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
.. When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.
.. Police were summoned to a day-care centre where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
.. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.
.. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.
.. Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end.
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NEVER TRUST A CRICKETER"
Come all ye fair young maidens and harken unto me,
Never trust a cricketer, whoever he may be.
Randier than a sailor who's been six months at sea,
Never let a cricketer's hand an inch above your knee.
First let's take the paceman, pure speed from first to last,
My darlings do be careful; his balls are hard and fast.
Then there's the medium pacer, his balls swing either way;
He's really most persistent and can keep it up all day!
And watch for the off-spinner, girls, another awkward chap.
If you leave him half an opening, he will slip one through the gap!
Then there's the wily 'slowy', pure cunning is his strength;
He'll tempt you, then he'll trap you with his very subtle length.
So ladies, do be careful, your mothers would agree.
Never trust a cricketer, whoever he may be.
And what about the opening bat, his struggles never cease!
He has only one ambition, to spend all day at the crease.
The number three is a dasher, he seldom prods and pokes.
When he goes into action, he has a fine array of strokes..
And do beware the slogger, not content with one or two;
When he arrives at the crease then only six will do.
Then there's the real stonewaller, girls, he knows what he's about;
And if you let him settle in, it's hard to get him out!
We come now to the last man, I hope this will not shock,
He doesn't mind if he's last man in, as long as he gets a knock.
So, darlings, do be careful, and be well warned by me:
Never trust a cricketer, whoever he may be.
And watch the wicketkeeper, girls, he's full of flair and dash;
And if you raise your heel, he'll whip them off in a flash.
If you take the field with the captain, you had better know the score;
Or he'll have you in positions that you never knew before!
The cricket commentator is a nasty sort of bloke,
He watches all the action and describes it stroke by stroke.
Even the kindly umpire, who looks friendly as a pup;
You'll quickly find you've had it, when he puts his finger up!
So, darlings, please remember and repeat it after me:
“NEVER TRUST A CRICKETER, WHOEVER HE MAY BE!!!!!”
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Very clever joke Drids, best I've read in a long time. ;D ;)
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Never heard of lexophiles. These were always Puns to me.
Although, the cricketing ones could have bowled a maiden over.
Heres a piece of graffiti that has always puzzled me.
Forget the whales,
SAVE THE ENIGMA.
Talking about old forms of humour (which we weren't), whatever happened to the Limerick?
I haven't seen a new one in ages.
Heres one that is as old as Einstein.
There was a young lady from Bright,
Whose speed was faster than light.
She set out one day,
In a relative way,
And returned home the previous night!
-
The limerick's an art form complex,
Whose contents run chiefly to sex,
It's famous for virgins,
And masculine urgin's,
And vulgar erotic effects.
The limerick packs laughs anatomical,
Into space that is quite economical,
The good ones I've seen,
So rarely are clean,
And the clean ones so rarely are comical.
From a book called the Lure of the Limerick.
-
JudyC,
I smiled at the limerick.
Thought you may like these--
ARAPROSDOKIANS... (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.
• The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list.
• Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
• If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
• We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
• War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
• Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
• They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
• In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR."
• I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
• Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
• Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
• Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
• Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
• Where there's a will, there are relatives.
Finally:
• I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
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Ha Ha, some good ones there!!
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I like those Judy. 8)
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Love those
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Now that I have retired I'm starting to find the truth in some of these -
GETTING OLDER
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken
for the rest of my life?"
"'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'.."
~~~~~~~~~~
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon,
perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anaesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad , what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me,
your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."
~~~~~~~~~~
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. This is so true. I love
to hear them say "you don't look that old."
~~~~~~~~~~
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
~~~~~~~~~~
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth,
think of Algebra.
~~~~~~~~~
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
~~~~~~~~~~
Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
~~~~~~~~~~
First you forget names, then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper...
it's worse when
you forget to pull it down.
~~~~~~~~~~
Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around- KMart when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy,
"Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too...
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her...
what does she look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom...wearing no bra,
long legs, and is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?'
To which the old guy says, doesn't matter, let's look for yours."
~~~~~~~~~~
"Lord, keep Your arm around my shoulder and Your hand over my mouth!"
Now, if you feel this doesn't apply to you . . . .
stick around awhile . . .it will!
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Dughug, they are great. So many strike a chord with me.
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A blonde and a redhead were watching the 6:00 news when a story came up about a man who was threatening to jump off the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead that the man wouldn't jump off the bridge and the readhead accepted. Well, sure enough, the man jumped and so the blonde gave the redhead the 50 bucks. "I can't take this, you're my best friend." The blonde looked at her, "Just take it." "Well, I saw this on the 5;00 news, so I knew he was gonna jump off." The blonde laughed, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again
:D beers
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Why do blondes write TGIF on their shoes?
.
.
.
Toes Go In First.
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:D :D :D oh so true ;D ;D ;D beers
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::) ::) my wife is a blond...we ran out of printer ink one day... I said im going to get a new black ink and she said it would be a good idea to get a white one cause it would be low too... god bless her ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Bunnies
(http://aussielapidaryforum.com/forum/gallery/7/medium_5704-010415075004.jpeg) (http://aussielapidaryforum.com/forum/index.php?action=gallery;sa=view;id=7318)
Hope everyone has a great easter :)
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A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approaches the drivers door.
"Is there a problem, Officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The policeman says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?"
"She's in the boot if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"
The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"
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I'll have to remember that one for future reference!
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It won't work!
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It won't work!
Are you sure? I've heard some of those TOGs are not that bright! ;)
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Oh that's funny...would it work
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A man and a woman are seated next to each other on a flight.
They start eyeing each other, and both realize they want to do the same thing.
He slips a condom out of his pocket, and she looks delighted.
Rear toilet? He suggests.
Five minutes, she agrees and goes off.
He waits five minutes, then goes and slips in there with her. “Right, get that condom on” she says.
Soon, they are both sighing with pleasure.
But a sharp eyed stewardess has noticed them, and realized what they are up to.
So, she humiliates them by making an announcement over the PA system. "To the lady and gentleman in the rear toilet, we know what you are doing, and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations.
Now, please put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector."
And what were you thinking? ::) :) ;D
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Haha have to tell by brother pilot that one
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So thats what she was doing on the phone all that time!
http://www.abc.net.au/news/2015-04-22/flawless-diamond-sells-for-221-million/6411082?section=business
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A farmer asks his border collie to count his sheep.
The dog runs into the field and after a short while returns to the farmer. The farmer says, "How many?"
The collie says, "Forty."
"How can there be 40? I only bought 38!"
"I rounded them up."
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moan ;)
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perhaps some of you can relate o this ...
A woman on the phone to her friend;
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising….
I decided to take and aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.
But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
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That's funny...I can understand....and I am picturing you, Jamo in leotards and it's even funnier.
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That's funny...I can understand....and I am picturing you, Jamo in leotards and it's even funnier.
thanks ????
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I sometime feel I'm getting an aerobic workout when getting into my waders! :-[
Malachi beers
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Definately...getting to waders is fun enough...getting out is like being attacked by a big green leech that wants to eat your ankles... So now I've gone one size bigger so neoprene is more spacious but feet now get lost in giant boots. Probably where the yowie legend came from....
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I reckon the aerobic workout begins when you know the leech dropped inside your waders... scary!
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Leeeeeeeches are sneaky.
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Leeeeeeeches are sneaky.
lol very sneaky, the little black ones down here can burrow through socks, must be like burrowing into an animals fur :(
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They get their friends to pull the threads apart and in they go....the fat ones have to wait outside your socks.
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Not anymore, I've got leech proof socks..hopefully ::)
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Kevlar?
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Kevlar?
They're Darn Tough, best socks I've found for bushwalking and leech protection.
http://darntough.com/men/mens-hike-trek/boot-sock-cushion
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Kevlar?
They're Darn Tough, best socks I've found for bushwalking and leech protection.
http://darntough.com/men/mens-hike-trek/boot-sock-cushion
Thick explore socks are great. Although it is the other areas of the body that get all the bites
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Yep...leech beards
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LIFE SKILLS
I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying
let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way
much faster now.
You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they
are holding a gun, she's probably angry.
Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now
they drink like their fathers.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like
someone? That's common sense leaving your body.
I don't like making plans for the day because then the word
"premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
I didn't make it to the gym again today. That makes five years in a row.
I decided to change calling the bathroom the 'John' and renamed it the
'Jim'. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers:
if you find one, what's your plan?
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Kevlar?
They're Darn Tough, best socks I've found for bushwalking and leech protection.
http://darntough.com/men/mens-hike-trek/boot-sock-cushion
Thick explore socks are great. Although it is the other areas of the body that get all the bites
:) if they are explorer socks, not for tassie leeches Jamo, burrow right through them. I've been going two layers of socks with track suit tucked in and wet weather trouser over top. Haven't got bitten since using the darn tough socks under explorers might be due to very tight weave. Really small little black leeches, that is untill they have a feed.
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Kevlar?
They're Darn Tough, best socks I've found for bushwalking and leech protection.
http://darntough.com/men/mens-hike-trek/boot-sock-cushion
Thick explore socks are great. Although it is the other areas of the body that get all the bites
:) if they are explorer socks, not for tassie leeches Jamo, burrow right through them. I've been going two layers of socks with track suit tucked in and wet weather trouser over top. Haven't got bitten since using the darn tough socks under explorers might be due to very tight weave. Really small little black leeches, that is untill they have a feed.
Makky are Tassie leaches bites twice as bad as other leaches ... on account of them having 2 heads??? ... Well this is Joke of the Day 8)
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Kevlar?
They're Darn Tough, best socks I've found for bushwalking and leech protection.
http://darntough.com/men/mens-hike-trek/boot-sock-cushion
Thick explore socks are great. Although it is the other areas of the body that get all the bites
:) if they are explorer socks, not for tassie leeches Jamo, burrow right through them. I've been going two layers of socks with track suit tucked in and wet weather trouser over top. Haven't got bitten since using the darn tough socks under explorers might be due to very tight weave. Really small little black leeches, that is untill they have a feed.
Makky are Tassie leaches bites twice as bad as other leaches ... on account of them having 2 heads??? ... Well this is Joke of the Day 8)
;D, funny you should mention that Jamo, the two headed ones do exist and but are only rarely found in the deep south of the state and belong to the species Philaemon ferngardious. There have been a number of documented reports of them being particularly attracted to those visiting the state to fossick for gemstone in the Lune River area. Strangely the locals are rarely bitten and research has indicated the two headed leeches maybe targeting individuals with higher blood iodine levels visiting from the mainland.
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Good sayings...like the one about the gun
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Won't let the 2 headed ones deter me. I don't let them bother me when they escape to the mainland either!
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How to wash a cat
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1 oz. of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lids. You may need to stand on the top lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash and rinse'.
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand to the side of the toilet as far away as you can and quickly lift the lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside, where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Sincerely yours,
The Dog
An oldie but still makes me laugh when I read it ;D
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Adam was hanging around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely. So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you. And will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you! She will bear your children. And never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. "She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love whenever you need it." Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?" God replied, "An arm and a leg." Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?" ;) beers
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With the US Presidential election nominations starting I thought this was appropriate-
Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's pregnant. She is furious! Here she is about to run for President and this has happened to her.
She calls Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming:
"How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you???!!! I can't believe this! I just found out I'm five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault!!! YOUR FAULT!!! Well, what have you got to say???"
There is nothing but dead silence on the end of the phone.
She screams again, "DID YOU HEAR ME???!!!"
Finally, she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says ........ "Who is this?"
-
Why We Love Children...
1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it
was dead.
'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil.
'Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child
innocently.
'You did WHAT?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it
didn't move'
2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later...'Da-ad...'
'What?'
'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'
'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'
Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad...'
'WHAT?'
'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water?'
' I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!'
Five minutes later...'Daaaa-aaaad...'
'WHAT!'
'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?'
3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?'
The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in
and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's
sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!''
4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was
tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he
asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me
tonight?'
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.'
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
'The big sissy.'
5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the
children's sermon.
All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat
down, the minister leaned over and said, 'That is a very pretty dress.
Is it your Easter Dress?'
The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on
microphone, 'Yes, and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron.'
6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year
old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the
shower.
She said, 'Mummy, you are getting fat!'
I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her
tummy.'
'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your bum?'
7. A little boy was doing his math homework.
He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...'
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?'
The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my math homework, Mum.'
'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked.’
'Yes,' he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you
teaching my son in math?'
The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.'
The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that
son of a bitch is four?'
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught them
was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.'
8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken
Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken
Little tried to warn the farmer.. She read, '... and so Chicken Little
went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is
falling!'
The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that
farmer said?'
One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he said:
'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!''
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter.'
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane
Sugarbrown.'
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter?'
She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'
10. A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play
with the boys?'
Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're
too rough.'
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,
If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?'
11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut,
eating a snack cake The barber says to her,
'Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin..'
She says, 'Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too.'
-
There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, “Just think, honey, we’ve been married for 50 years”.
“Yeah,” she replied, “Just think, 50 years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together”.
“I know,” the old man said, “We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago”.
“Well,” Granny snickered, “What do you say…should we get naked?” Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table”.
You know, honey,” the little old lady breathlessly replied, “My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago”.
“I wouldn’t be surprised,” replied Gramps. “One’s in your coffee and the other is in your oats”. ::) ;) :)
Malachi beers
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Ouch.
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Good one
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One day I accidentally overturned my golf cart.
Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: “Are you okay, what’s your name?”
“I’m Phil and I’m OK thanks,” I replied.
“Phil, forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I’ll help you get the cart up later”.
“That’s mighty nice of you,” I answered, “But I don’t think my wife would like it”.
“Oh, come on,” Elizabeth insisted.
She was very pretty, very sexy and persuasive . . . and I was weak.
“Well OK,” I finally agreed, and added, “But my wife won’t like it”.
After a few restorative brandys, and some creative putting lessons, I thanked my hostess.
“I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset”.
“Don’t be silly!” Elizabeth said with a smile: “She won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?”
“Under the cart….” I said. ::) ;D
Malachi beers
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"Tut Tut" or should that be Put-Put ?
-
Teacher - Can anyone tell me the name of Robin Hoods girlfriend?
Little Jimmy - Yes Miss, Trudy Glen
Teacher - No Jimmy, the most popular answer would be Maid Marion!
Little Jimmy - But Miss, what about the song? Robin Hood, Robin Hood riding Trudy Glen!!......
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A popular man from Aberdeen died. His widow went to the office of the Aberdeen Evening Express to put in an obituary to let all his friends know that he'd passed on. The clerk at the counter asked her, "How much do you have dear?
"5 quid," she replied.
"You won't get much for that mother," he said passing her paper and pen.
She wrote and passed the materials back.
"John Reid frae Kincaid deed," he read aloud, saddened by the shortness of the message. He handed her back the paper and pen. "I think we could allow a few more words," he said to the widow.
She wrote and passed the materials back over the counter.
"John Reid frae Kincaid deed. Ford Escort for sale."
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The other day I went over to my local Pharmacy
When I got there, I went straight to the back of the Pharmacy to where the Chemist was located.
I took my little brown bottle along with a teaspoon and laid them both onto the counter.
The pharmacist came over and smiled asking if he could help me.
I said "Yes! Could you please taste this for me?"
Being I'm a senior citizen .... I guess the Pharmacist just went along with me.
He picked up the spoon and put a tiny bit of the liquid on his tongue and swilled it around.
Then came a stomach-churning look on his face he spat it out on the floor and began coughing.
When he was finished, I looked him right in the eye asked, "Now does that taste sweet to you?"
The pharmacist shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled "HELL NO"
So I said, "Oh thank God! That's a real relief! My doctor told me to get a pharmacist to test my urine for sugar...!"
Well, I can never go back to that Pharmacy, but I really don't care though. because they aren't very friendly anyway.
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Good one
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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
[/size]The barman looks at him and says, “Hang on! You’re a duck”.[/color]
[/size]“I see your eyes are working,” replies the duck.[/color]
“And you can talk!” exclaims the barman.
“I see your ears are working, too,” says the duck. “Now if you don’t mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?”
“Certainly, sorry about that,” says the barman as he pulls the duck a pint.
“It’s just we don’t get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?”
“I’m working on the building site across the road,” explains the duck. “I’m a plasterer”.
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read It. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him “You’re with the circus, aren’t you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the paper and everything!”
“Sounds marvellous,” says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. “Get him to give me a call”.
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub, the barman says, “Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money”.
“I’m always looking for the next job,” says the duck. “Where is it?”
“At the circus,” says the barman.
“The circus?” asks the duck.
“That’s right,” replies the barman.
“The circus?” The duck asks again. “With the big tent?”
“Yeah,” the barman replies.
“With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?” asks the duck.
“Of course,” the barman replies.
“And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?” persists the duck.
“That’s right!” says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says ..
“What the hell would they want with a plasterer??!”
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Loved it...my bro just told me the same joke
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There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.
There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
~ Douglas Adams: Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
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One night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say "Jesus is watching you " .
He looked around but saw nothing so he kept on creeping and again heard , "Jesus is watching you".
He looked around and seen a cage with a parrot in it. The burglar asked the parrot , "was that you that said Jesus is watching you ? , the parrot replied "yes" .
Relieved the burglar asked , "What is your name ?" The parrot said , "Clarence." The burglar laughed and said ,"That's a stupid name for a parrot .What idiot named you ?"
The parrot answered , "The same idiot that named the Rottweiler Jesus."
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A lawyer went duck hunting for the first time in Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of the fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.[/size]The litigator responded, "I shot a duck, it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."The old farmer replied, "This is my property and you are not coming over here."The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick Rule."The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three-Kick Rule?"The Farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot! Now, it's my turn!"The old farmer smiled and said, "No, I give up. You can have the duck."
[/color]
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A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he stumbled on something, it was an old lamp and out came a Genie.
The sunny California sky clouded and in a booming voice, the Genie said, "Because you have freed me, I will grant you one wish."
The man thought for a while, and said, "I want a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Genie said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges and environmental consequences that kind of undertaking would create. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel would take over thousands of miles! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Genie, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing!", and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Genie replied, "You want two lanes or four"
-
A psychiatrist once said to me,
"You are different."
"You are an INDIVIDUAL."
"YOU ARE UNIQUE!"
"Just like everybody else."
-
;D That's so True.... We are all Clowns in the Circus of Life ;)
Gemster.... beers
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Okay Alfers here's my first for the year. ::) :)
An Irish woman in her 60s visited her doctor to ask his advice on reviving her husband’s libido. ‘What about trying Viagra?’ asked the doctor.
‘Not a chance’, she said. ‘He won’t even take an aspirin’.
‘Not a problem,’ replied the doctor. ‘Give him an Irish Viagra. Slip the tablet into his coffee. He won’t even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went’/
It wasn’t a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, ‘Oh, Jaysus , Mary and Joseph, T’was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!’
‘Really? What happened?’ asked the doctor.
‘Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee, and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a strange twinkle in his eye! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! T’was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!’
‘Why so terrible?’ asked the doctor, ‘Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn’t good?’
‘Freakin’ Jaysus, ’twas the best sex I’ve had in 25 years! But sure as I’m sittin’ here, I’ll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again! ;) ;D
Cheers beers beers
Malachi
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hehehe Malachi ! I love a good irish joke :D
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Thought I might pass this on found it very amusing
Last week when travelling to the hunter valley with my seven year old son to spray weeds, I asked him out of our hobbies, fishing, fossicking and shooting, which was his favourite and why?
Needless to say we then had a discussion on why I don't class watching TV as a hobby. 15min then passes and he says fossicking, then shooting, then fishing. Why, because it is easier to find a cuttable stone than it is to find a rabbit, and it is easier to find a rabbit than it is to catch a fish. A seven year olds point of view.
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:D Oh so true tho ;D ;D
Gemster.... beers
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Yeah, I heard five out of four schizophrenics are okay too ::)
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One morning a man was making himself a cup of tea, his wife enterred the kitchen butt naked carrying a set of handcuffs, she said, "darling tie me to our bed and you can do what ever you like!", so he handcuffed her to the bed and left the house and had a fantastic game of golf.
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A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter
'What are you doing?'
She asked.
'Hunting Flies'
He responded.
'Oh. ! Killing any?'
She asked.
'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.
Intrigued, she asked.
'How can you tell them apart?'
He responded,
'3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.
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A cask of rum falls overboard and is washed up on a rocky shore where it breaks and forms a rock pool from which various birds drink, with the result that no tern was left unstoned.
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2 good jokes guys. Thanks for sharing!
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On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident.
The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder: could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go & find out," and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer... For a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"
Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat
bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea of how long it'll take to find a lawyer?" ;D ;D ;D
Malachi beers
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LOL! Love it!
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Good one Malachi beers
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Never a truer word spoken!!
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Ahahhaaaa... PMSL!!!
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I was going to leave my body to Science, but have now decided to leave it to Science Fiction.
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A dentist is involved in a car accident.
He sighs, "Oh well. That's the way the world is today.
Doctors doctor,
Mechanics mechanise,
And Dentists dent."
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Geez Ghost,
That dentist joke was pathetic. Having said that you will demand I come up with a better one.
Well stop me if you've heard it. (Maybe I originally saw it on this web site.)
A couple of guys in their 70s run into each other and sit down for a chat and run through the usual stuff about stiff knees, aching backs and other odd maladies when one lowers his voice and asks, "How are you getting on for sex these days?"
"Oh great,' the other says. "Almost every day."
The first bloke's jaw drops and his eyes widen with amazement. "Really?"
"Yes, almost every day. Almost on Monday...Almost on Tuesday.... Almost on Wednesday... Almost on Thursday.... Almost on................. "
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<blockquote>A couple who work at the circus go to an adoption agency.
Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.
The couple produces photos of their 50 foot motorhome, which is equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers then are doubtful about the education that the child would get.
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects
Along with French, Mandarin and computer skills."
Then there are doubts about raising a child in a circus environment.
"Our nanny is an expert in paediatric welfare and diet."
The social workers are finally satisfied.
They ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"
"It doesn't really matter, as long as he fits in the cannon."</blockquote>
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Adlai Stevenson was campaigning against Eisenhower in 1952 when a supporter called out "Governor Stevenson, all thinking people are for you!"
Stevenson answered, "That's not enough. I need a majority."
Quoted from a Colin Twiggs newsletter.
Thought it was pertinent as an election is coming up.
Regards, Ghost.
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Adlai Stevenson was campaigning against Eisenhower in 1952 when a supporter called out "Governor Stevenson, all thinking people are for you!"
Stevenson answered, "That's not enough. I need a majority."
Quoted from a Colin Twiggs newsletter.
Thought it was pertinent as an election is coming up.
Regards, Ghost.
Good one Ghost. We need thinking people who carefully consider their vote! :)
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Very true Ghost. Unfortunately the lowest common denominator always wins out.
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Very true Ghost. Unfortunately the lowest common denominator always wins out.
Hope your wrong Lapis
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It would have been more accurate to say "often" rather than "always" Jamo.
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Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for dinner.
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Consider for a moment how stupid the average person is.
Now consider that HALF the population is MORE stupid than that!
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If con is the opposite of pro, then isn’t Congress the opposite of progress?
My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.
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Hi Jamo.
Can't say that I've ever seen one, so they must be mythical.
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the phrase "the people always get it right",,
this sums up a lot of the problem
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A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he had found a cat, but it was dead. " How did you know it was dead?" She asked him. Because I pissed in it's ear and it didn't move", answered the child innocently. " You did WHAT?!!" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. " You know", explained the boy. "I leaned over and went pssst !' and didn't move." ;D ;)
Malachi beers
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Today's Quote. I only changed one word.
"Ninety eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hardworking, honest Australians. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then, we elected them."
~ Lily Tomlin.
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Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.
The house was very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mother so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while,
Connor was born.
The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and patted him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year-old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place.........smack him again!'
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*Grandpa, what Is couple sex?
Make sure that you understand the question first....
We are all reaching that stage where we need to keep the wax out of our ears and keep the hearing aids tuned up.
An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him,
" Grandpa, what is a couple sex?
The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question then she's old enough to get a straight answer.
Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities that go along with it.
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement. Seeing the look on her face the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?
The little girl replied, "Well, Grandma says to tell you that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs.
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The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
~ Lily Tomlin
-
Rely on a rabbit's foot if you must.
Just remember:- It didn't work for the rabbit.
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I went to the local maccas two or three weeks back, and placed my order through the intercom. All good no problems. Pulled up to the window and the person taking the orders was a young Muslim girl in a full black burqa. Now I'm not a racist, but I must say I was a bit surprised. But I didn't say anything, just thanked her,and just took my order and left. Then last night, I went to Hungry Jacks to pick up one of those burgers they were advertising. placed my order thru the intercom and drove up to the window. Surprisingly it was again a young Muslim girl in a burqa, but instead of black, she was wearing a pink burqa. Her eyes and voice were the same, so I asked: "weren't you working at McDonald's last week?" She responded: "yeah" "So I asked, So why did you leave Macca's to work here at Hungry Jacks, ?" She looked at me dead in the eyes, and said: "Because the burqas are better at Hungry Jacks"
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I went to the local maccas two or three weeks back, and placed my order through the intercom. All good no problems. Pulled up to the window and the person taking the orders was a young Muslim girl in a full black burqa. Now I'm not a racist, but I must say I was a bit surprised. But I didn't say anything, just thanked her,and just took my order and left. Then last night, I went to Hungry Jacks to pick up one of those burgers they were advertising. placed my order thru the intercom and drove up to the window. Surprisingly it was again a young Muslim girl in a burqa, but instead of black, she was wearing a pink burqa. Her eyes and voice were the same, so I asked: "weren't you working at McDonald's last week?" She responded: "yeah" "So I asked, So why did you leave Macca's to work here at Hungry Jacks, ?" She looked at me dead in the eyes, and said: "Because the burqas are better at Hungry Jacks"
moan!
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lol..that's bad!
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The Australian Government laments the state of the education of Australian youth,
yet it prints postage stamps advising that "A is for Aussie Roolz".
Oh! So that is the way its spelt now is it?
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Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?' The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I never seed nobody done it.
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Good one Jamo, I could just picture this scene with Jethro & Jed Clampett helping Granny in the Beverly Hillbillies. ::) ;D
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Do you want to hear some Geology Jokes?
Give me a minute, i'll try and dig some up!
-
Do you want to hear some Geology Jokes?
Give me a minute, i'll try and dig some up!
Rock on Topsieve
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Had lunch at Goolwa, sitting in the car where I could view the Hindmarsh Bridge.
I saw lots of boats following cars over the bridge, but very few cars following boats under the bridge.
Conclusion:
Boats find cars more attractive than cars find boats.
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too deep for most
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Had lunch at Goolwa, sitting in the car where I could view the Hindmarsh Bridge.
I saw lots of boats following cars over the bridge, but very few cars following boats under the bridge.
Conclusion:
Boats find cars more attractive than cars find boats.
... moan ... ::)
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Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.
They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.
As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.
These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different coloured topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, and said
'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?'
'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?'
She replied, 'Father, it's me, --- Sister Kathleen.'
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I always try to pay my bills with a smile,
but they invariably want money.
-
I always try to pay my bills with a smile,
but they invariably want money.
...ahh, if only smiles worked for payment? It never hurts to give a few away though! ;D
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Two priests in Rome were discussing the Pope when he drove past in his Popemobile.
"Talk of the Devil," said one.
-
If the Pope were to go fossicking do you think he would Divine?
-
Pray tell...
-
Instead of having ballet girls prancing around on tiptoe,
why don't they hire taller dancers?
-
Today I bought a Football.
What a rip off!
The Bloody thing was only 11 inches long!
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While driving along the hi-way,I decided to fill up at a lonely roadhouse.
After paying for the fuel, I figured I'd grab a bite to eat.
Inspecting the very minimal offerings in the warmer, I ask the Lady serving for a fish Patti,
After paying she handed it over I realized the Patti was stone cold and requested she warm it up.
She grabbed the Patti slipped it under her arm pit and just stood there looking at me.
So glad I didn't get the kabana.
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I was in a bar the other night and overheard three fat women talking. Their accents appeared to be Scottish, so I approached them and asked , " Hello, ladies are you from Scotland?" One of the corrected me and said " It's Wales you stupid bloody idiot. Wales!" So I apologised and replied, "I'm so sorry. Are you three Whales from Scotland?" And that's the last thing that I can remember. ;)
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I learned two things today.
- My man parts are no where near as long as a subway foot long sandwich.
- I am no longer welcome at subway.
-
THINK QUICK !
One of the reasons I could never be a Jedi.
-
I learned two things today.
- The best way to establish the value of a red hot chili pepper is to, give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh,now.
- Irony is lost on my local green grocer.
-
Very funny PC bowe
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QUEEN Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.
The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity".
The Angel thanks Dolly and asks Her Majesty the same question.
The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, and drinks it down.
Then, pees into a toilet and pulls the lever.
The Angel says, "ok, your Majesty, you may go in".
Dolly is outraged and asked,"What was that all about, I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down.
She pees into a toilet and she gets in!
Would you explain that to me"?
"Sorry, Dolly says the Angel, but even in Heaven
A Royal Flush Beats a Pair No Matter How Big They Are".
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Really good Makky, my wife even laughed. You should e-mail that one to the Queen.
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My wife cried tears when she read this joke. I didn't think it humorous at all...
Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.
The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.
The directions said that:
a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and
a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:
There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
· The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
· My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching..
· My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
· I had no control over the drooling.
· Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
· I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!
-
Funny Jamo, I was in the cops when the Tazers first come in, to qualify as part of the training to use them, you had to suffer the charge, be the guinea pig. I tell you it was as the joke explains, biggest bloody charge I ever got. ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D hotthirsty
-
They said that to me as well Tinker along with a dose of capsicum spray, that was until I said 'well perhaps you should experience what getting shot with a .38 would feel like?'
-
I knocked on a neighbor's door the other day and she opened the door in her nightie, I thought that's a funny place for a door!
-
Jamo, that would have to be the best joke I have heard in a long time, Ken is still chuckling. Blocker, when you open the door in your nightie you'd better have a tazer with you. ;D
-
I'd have to agree with you Peg, best joke I've read in a long time too.
-
Jamo, that would have to be the best joke I have heard in a long time, Ken is still chuckling. Blocker, when you open the door in your nightie you'd better have a tazer with you. ;D
Yes, my wife had tears laughing when I showed it to her. Frankly I think she is a bit sadistic laughing at some poor bloke who was a bit too 'curious'. My eyes water too ... just thinking about it!
-
I'VE BEEN BANNED FROM WOOLWORTHS
Yesterday I was at my local Woolworths store buying a large bag of My Dog dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10 kilograms before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with My Dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Woolworths.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.
-
I learned two things today.
- Canine cleanliness is disgusting.
- DO NOT! Follow Jamo's dietary advice.
-
I learned two things today.
- Canine cleanliness is disgusting.
- DO NOT! Follow Jamo's dietary advice.
8)
-
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Kemo Sabe "You dumber than buffalo poo. It tells you someone stole the tent."
-
I asked my mate how he was getting on with the new girlfriend?
He said she wanted to walk down the aisle.
I said " what are you going to do about that?"
He said he sent her grocery shopping.
-
Very funny Moonshadow , made me LOL
-
I see that since the recent eclipse event over the U.S., many yanks are claiming it was all a hoax perpetrated by the Chinese to sell those little plastic glasses made for looking at eclipses. 8)
-
Worked didn't.
-
Welcome to the forum Chiron52.
Sure to have lots of fun and rocky information here.
Regards,
Ghost
-
Check out this bloke ;D ;D ::)
http://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/home/pets/mans-tattoo-fail-after-trying-to-support-his-dog/news-story/e7b7bb923c23b4591118cf5454f71700
-
Does that mean that he has to go the full monty and have the operation?
-
I don't know, I wonder if it's even just texta as it's hard to believe anyone could be so stupid.
-
True Story.. Wife had cataract operation last week (success) and was told not to get water in eye. Wanting to wash hair went to chemist and asked for a waterproof eyepad. Poor your fellow looked around and said "sorry madam we don't sell Ipads"
-
I learned two things Today.
- I can successfully bathe out of a bird bath.
- I am no longer welcome at church.
-
After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.” “But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer. “I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.
-
very funny Wallie
-
An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes. The 1st passenger said, "I am Cristiano Ronaldo, the best Football player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die." So he took the 1st pack and left the plane. The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said, "I am the newly-elected U.S. President, and I am the smartest President in American history, so my people don't want me to die." He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane. The 3rd passenger, the Pope, said to the 4th passenger, a 10 year old schoolboy, "My son, I am old and don't have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute." The little boy said, "That's okay, Your Holiness, there's a parachute left for you. America 's smartest President took my schoolbag
-
Very nice Wallie, that's about right. ;D
-
LOL very funn, and I would agree
-
Someone said to me, "This is a private car park".
I said, "Thats ok, I'm driving a private car".
-
A guy starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does so, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything... He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"
The lion says: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees
-
A great one Wallie!
-
I learnt two things Today.
- Never attempt a hi five with a rabbi.
- I am no longer welcome at Temple.
-
very funny Wallie
-
Just spent the day at the shops with my daughter.
I must say, "Rockmans" was very disappointing.
-
LOL
-
I like it PC
I went to a 'rock shop' in Newcastle with great expectations. Was disappointed they only sold music! :P
-
LOL Jamo , I felt the same , way
-
Q. What do you call a group of fossickers ?
A. A Carton.
-
Q. What do you call a group of fossickers ?
A. A Carton.
I thought it would be a 'Rabble of Rubble'
-
I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster.
But if anything, it only made him more sluggish.
;D ;D
-
I ate a snail once.
It gave me gastro.
-
Q. What did the , crusher say. To the sandstone block ?
A. I have a crush on you
-
A man who was travelling through the countryside was exhausted and starving. He came across a roadside inn with a sign out the front that read: “George and the Dragon.” He knocked on the door. The Innkeeper’s wife stuck her head out a window.
“Could I stay the night at your inn?” he asked.
The woman glared at the man and shouted back, “No!”
“Do you have any food to spare?”
“No!” she shouted.
“Could I at least have a glass of water?”
“No!” she shouted again.
The man said, “Could I please…?”
“What now?” the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish.
“Do you suppose,” he asked, “that I might have a word with George?” ::) ;D
-
;D Nice.....
Gemster....
-
;D ;D ;D ;D beers
-
Has anybody cut faceting diagram "Procrastination" by Arya Akhavan yet, or are you still putting it off?
-
Frankly, I'm having enough trouble with "Defiance".
-
My Grandfather tried to warn everyone that the Titanic would sink.
Then we were kicked out of the cinema.
-
I learnt two things today.
- When you dump a 200 gram bag of golden glitter over your head, it take some serious deep crevassing to clean out.
- OOOOH Pirate party!
[size=78%] [/size]
-
Just spent an hour looking at a bottle of juice and nothing happened.
-
A man goes to a tool store to buy a chainsaw. The server sells him the top-of-the-line model, saying that it will cut through over 100 trees in one day.
The man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees but after working for over three hours he only cuts down two trees.
“How can I cut for hours and hours and only finish two trees?” he asks himself.
The next morning he gets up early in the morning and works until night time, but still only manages to cut down five trees.
The very next day the man brings the chainsaw back to the store and says it doesn’t work properly.
“Hmm, it looks okay,” says the server, and starts the chainsaw.
The man jumps back in shock and cries, “What’s that noise?” :o :)
-
Good one Malachi!! ;D
-
... Victorian's can relate to this one...
A Woman from Melbourne who was a Tree Hugging Green Protester, and an Anti-Logger purchased a piece of bush near the proposed Great Forrest National Park Vic..
There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract..
She wanted a good view of the natural splendour of her land, so she started to climb the big Tree.. As she neared the top she encountered a Leadbeater Possum that attacked her..
In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crouch area.. In considerable pain, she hurried to the local ER to see a Doctor..
She told him that she was an Environmentalist, a Green and an Anti-Logger and how she came to get all the splinters.. The Doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go and wait in the Examination Room..
She sat and waited for 3 hours before the Doctor reappeared.. The angry woman demanded' 'What Took You So Long?'
He smiled and then told her "Well I had to get Permits from the Environment Protection Authority, the Forest Service and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove Old Growth Timber from a 'Recreation Area' so close to a Waste Treatment Facility.. Im sorry but due to the Greens Policies they turned you down"..
Gemster.... beers
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Classic Gemster love it Dave
-
Good one Gemster, thanks for the laugh! :)
-
Not mine, lifted from "another Place"... ;D
Gemster.... beers
-
LOL Gemster
-
Every stick in Australia is a Boomerang.
When you own a Kelpie.
-
It's hard to imagine any member of this forum not having read Henry Lawson's short story, "The loaded dog."
If you haven't, find it on google. You'll love it.
-
Knock,Knock.
Hodor!
-
We'll see how many get that one! ;D
-
Good timing for that one!
-
Inspired by Da Vinci's birthday, I've been inventernating in the shed for the last 2 weeks, and I've have come up with the "Electric Push Bike".
( HOW GREEN AM I.)
Already I have a "Racing version." (That has 2 cattle prods.)
Plus.
The "Down hill version."(That has the cattle prod in front of the rider.)
-
As always, picture required.
-
Just finished a game of Boomerang Golf.
Or Golf Boomerang.
Or what ever it's called when you throw a putter into the bush.
-
If you don't pay your excorcist
do you get repossessed?
-
Just finished reading the State Governments proposal to legalise marijuana in Queensland.
Apparently the revenue raised through taxing the weed, will go towards fixing the roads.
They plan to call it operation Pothole.
-
Today.One of the young blokes at work sent me and apparently everyone else in his contacts list what can only be described as an "Accidental Dic Pic".
When I asked him what happened?
He was super embarrassed and told me he hoped it didn't go viral.
I told him not to worry and just to get some ointment from the chemist.
-
LOL all very funny
-
It was bloody cold up here the other night.
I woke up freezing and in the dark. I put on a beany and pair of socks.
Two hours later I awoke with a shocking headache.
-
Arriving late at the neighbours house for a footy finals party.
I got there just as desserts were being served, so I offered to take out a dish for the host, ten steps later I tripped on the door jam and face planted into the tray right in front of everyone.
Which produced plenty of laughter.
Not that I heard an of that, because at the time I was a trifle deaf.
-
Aussie Kiss.
Same as French Kiss.
Just Down Under.
-
I learnt two things today.
- At one time my man bits were in the Guinness Book of World Records.
- I am no longer welcome at the Library.
-
The Council of a Irish town had just bought a new fire engine and didn't know what to do with the old one, until Paddy spoke up and said, "I know, we'll keep the old one and use it for false alarms!"
Merry Christmas and a Rocky new year to you all.
I hope the fires in all your areas are all out soon.
Ghost.
-
As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?"
The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my E-mail?" ::) ;) beers
-
When you stop believing in Santa Claus
is when you start getting clothes for Christmas. ;) beers
-
Hey Malachi, when did you stop believing? If you don't believe you don't receive! If you believe too much you end up being Santa!
-
Hey Bucket . I would have thought you would have been too busy to read my incriminating post. I guess that puts me on the naughty list and I'll be getting a lump of coal next Christmas. Any chance you could make that Jet ?? ::) ;) :)
-
Hi Malachi, I seem to recall you're a member at Essendon, have you guys settled into your new rooms at yet?
-
Hmmm …Lawyers don't lie. ::)
A lawyer had a wife and 12 children and needed to move as his rental agreement was coming
to an end for the home where he lived but was having difficulty in finding a new home.
When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a Home to him because they knew that the
children would destroy the home.
He could not say that he had no children, he could not lie, after all, lawyers cannot and do not lie.
So, he had an idea: he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their children.
He took the remaining one with him to see homes with a real estate agent.
He liked one of the homes and the agent asked: "How many children do you have?
He answered: "12 children. The agent asked "Where are the others? The lawyer answered, with a sad look,
"They are in the cemetery with their mother.
And that's the way he was able to rent a home for his family without lying.
MORAL: It is not necessary to lie, one only has to choose the right words.
Lawyers don't Lie ...they are creative ........and don't forget: Most politicians are lawyers...... ;) :)
-
I have often felt, I am a skinny man trapped in a fat mans body.
I think I may be trans-slender.
-
Toilette Paper.
The Currency of the apocalypse.
Who Knew!
-
I didn't make the connection until the scaremongering gave me the dry runs.
-
lol
-
Policeman pulled over a young bloke.
"You were 10 kms over the 60 limit, son."
"Sorry officer, I wasn't paying attention."
"What's your name?"
"D-D-D-David."
The policeman gave him a sharp look, thinking he was having a go.
"Do you have a stammer?"
"No, I don't but my dad did. That b... so & so @ the Registry!"
Cheers,
colza
-
Social distancing.
Finally.
Something I'm good at.
-
Police Officer to thief "Why did you keep running when I told you to stop?"
Nabbed crook, "I was practicing Social Distancing!"
-
Last year I gave the missus a a 20$ bunch of flowers for her birthday. :)
This year she got a 10$ pack of toilet paper. :o ;D :-*
???
-
On the bright side.
The Cowboys have only had one lose this year.
-
I gave the Apprentice at work a lift home in the hilux on Friday.
Part way there he asked.
"So what? Does the smart phone just go into the docking port."
"Yeah Nah.....That's a Tape Deck"
-
Driving along the hiway, I got stopped at some road works, fortunately there was only two cars in front of me and we didn't have to wait long for them to let us go.
Suddenly the lead car disappeared in cloud of blue smoke and screeching tires.
The Lollypop lad reached into the next car and Hi fived the driver, before squatting on the ground and pointing up the road.
This car too disappeared same as the first.
As I approached, I asked the Lad.
"Mate where the heck did you learn Traffic control ?"
He looked at me and said.
"The Navy!"
-
Why don't ants get Coronavirus?
Because they have tiny little Anty Bodies!
-
Yesterday, I forgot about my appointment with a personal trainer at the Gym.
That's 9 Years in a row.
-
Be careful that you don't forget to forget next year.
-
Whilst talking to the Boss on Monday morning, we noticed one of the storemen hanging from one of the shed rafters.
When the Boss asked "whatudoin"?
The bolt bunny looked at us and replied "I'm a Lightbulb".
The Boss said "OOOK I think someone needs Stress leave".
With that I started to leave. Half way to the gate the Boss Yelled out "OI where you goin".
I shouted back "Well you can't expect me to work in the dark".
[size=78%] [/size]
-
Went to the supermarket this morning wearing a mask so I felt like Jesse James.
At the pace I walk I even held some people up!
-
Remember on cold mornings.
Why Spoon.
When you can Fork.
-
Just spent 2 weeks getting over the covid.
Proper sick Ay.
I sneezed so hard all my body hair fell out.
Must have been the Brazilian variant.
..
Too Soon?
-
I learnt two things today.
1. Like the ocean never turn your back on the Tour De France.
2. French is not always the language of love. Not always.
-
Yep, a pure bred, genius, dick weasel, where is she going to hide, the whole world saw her mug shot and the sudden realisation on her face that her stupidity just sent her into an asylum for the unwanted.
-
who cares. Better things to do with my day.
-
"O" String.
Same as.
"G" String.
Just worn backwards.
-
Some Pommy road signs that I think are funny .(https://aussielapidaryforum.com/forum/gallery/9/medium_120565-170821181622.jpeg) (https://aussielapidaryforum.com/forum/index.php?action=gallery;sa=view;id=9718)
-
A Yunnan Province, near Kunming China photo I took that I thought was funny.
(https://aussielapidaryforum.com/forum/gallery/9/medium_112303-170821202634.jpeg) (https://aussielapidaryforum.com/forum/index.php?action=gallery;sa=view;id=9719)
It was taken inside a large restroom facility on the side of a highway. There were 100's of toilet cubicles, very clean, no people about, and not a square of toilet paper to be found. Strictly BYO toilet paper out west.
-
Recently when passing through a small country town, at the head of the main street there was a sign that read " Clean Toilets " .
That added 2 hours to my travel time.
-
Just cut open an avocado for breakfast.
Yet another wooden ball in the middle.
Seriously.....
Is it to much to ask for a different toy.
-
I learnt two things today.
- I prefer to sleep naked.
- 3 Flight attendants,1 co-pilot and 2 members of the AFP, prefer I don't.
-
lol two very funny jokes
-
Driving down the highway.
Long awkward silence.
Me "So I hear a Hollywood actress was stabbed. Reese whatsername."
The Wife. "Witherspoon."
Me." Yeh Naa pretty sure it was a Knife."
Long awkward silence.
Driving down the Highway.
-
Not exactly a Joke of The Day, but, how often does one hear arguments structured like those below?
The "Four Dog Defence". Here's how a lawyer explained it to the St. Petersburg Times in 1997:
First of all, I don't have a dog.
And if I had a dog, it doesn't bite.
And if I had a dog and it did bite, then it didn't bite you.
And if I had a dog and it did bite, and it bit you, then you provoked the dog.
If one transposes that to climate change it would go something like this;
First of all, there is no climate change.
And if there is climate change, it’s not human-induced.
And if there is climate change and it is human-induced, then it didn’t cause the bushfires.
And if there is climate change, and it is human-induced, and it did cause the bushfires, then it’s too late to address the inducement.
-
I learnt two things today.
- Turns out I'm an essential worker.
- 100% of traffic is caused by non-essential workers.
-
One of my ancestors was transported to Australia, 7 years for Vagrancy.
Apparently he told the local constabulary to go **** himself.
Doesn't seem Vague to me.
-
You know how there is a:
Big Banana - Coffs Harbour NSW
Big Pineapple - Woombye QLD
Big Lobster - Kingston SE SA
Big Merino - Goulburn NSW
Big Etc. - Everywhere.
I reckon somebody should have a "Big Mountain Bike",
... for use on Big Mountains.
-
I learnt two things today.
When inspecting a crystal on a pendant.
- Next time. Get the stranger lady to remove it from around her neck.
- Next time. Don't use the term "Uneven Cleavage."
-
You could also perhaps be cautious about remarking about the meet points too! ::) ;) hotthirsty
-
A grasshopper sits down at a bar. The bartender says, " Hey, you know we've got a drink named after you."
The grasshopper shakes his head and says, "Who calls a drink Steve?"
Cheers,
colza :)
-
Doodling.
Same as.
Noodling.
Just with no pants on.
-
What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
Breathe, man, breathe!
Cheers,
colza :)
-
Just logged on and saw in your calendar that I'm 77 today.
Still waiting for that mid-life crisis of fast cars, fast boats and fast women!
Maybe next year?
-
Driving down the highway.
Long awkward silence.
Me "Have you heard of Murphy's law"?
The wife "If something can go wrong it will go wrong".
Me " Have you heard of Coles law".
The wife "No what's Coles law"?
Me "Thinly sliced cabbage".
Long awkward silence.
Driving down the highway.
-
I stand behind Alec Baldwin.
-
as would I
-
Aussie Wave.
Same as
Mexican Wave.
Just performed while catching a 6 at the Gabba.
-
getting worse ;D
-
Lady goes into jewellery shop, drops a plastic bag on the counter and says,
"Here's my five carrots, can I have a five carrot diamond please."
-
I truly dislike public speaking.
Is that Hate Speech?
-
Rumor has it Joe Root has signed on with Tinder.
-
The NSW Police have found a large number of dead crows on the Sturt Highway just outside Wagga Wagga early this morning, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.
The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.
By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.
The investigators then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"
-
Good one Wallie. I like it! ;D
-
Brilliant Wallie
-
Local Police report that there was a break in at the Police Station last night, all that was stolen was the toilet seat, the Sergeant told reporters that the Police have nothing to go on.
-
Here’s one for all you old fossils.
What do you call a caveman fart?
.
.
.
.
.
A blast from the past!
-
Natural Gas.
-
I have a gem thats worth either 50 million dollars 100 thousand or just what ever a 1cm tin ore matrix gemstone is worth but i have no idea what to do seeming a pawnshop geolist told me it showing diamond but couldnt xray becuase of tin deceted. Roughly 1cm sqaure of black/purple gem with pyramid that has extra flat chanels.
I wont show photos till at least i know im talking to sombody trustworthy and not illigitamate.
Thats a joke becuase he then said as i walked out you might have space poo
Not a joke found in desclosed location victoria if anyone can email me my email is Alex.and.his.mail@gmail.com
Can email photos on request or arrange a meet up if anybody in newcastle area is interested in identifying in person or with there equipment. Hope to hear from anyone sorry i posted here its the only chat with trafic and i have no clue where to ask anything haha
Thanks Alex
-
My daughter asked her Google home to tell her a joke. Here’s what it said.
Why did the beans move to North Qld.
A. Because they wanted to live in Cairns.
-
LOL
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During the current pandemic it’s important not to cough next to someone, but to cough further away.
So if anyone does cough near you, tell them to far cough.
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My Grandfather recently declared himself to be the world's greatest lover!
Turns out his latest girlfriend is just asthmatic.
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I learnt two things today.
1. The cheapest cut at my local butchers, is deer testicles.
2. Their usually under a buck.
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ISN'T SCIENCE FASCINATING
Dead Penguins - I never knew this!
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica ?
Where do they go?
Wonder no more ! ! !
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
Oh quit whining I fell for it, too.
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My Grandfather, after watching the Oscars, declared that all resent leading men aren't the tough guys they used to be.
He can remember reading in an article that Rock Hudson, once took on 2 sailors at a bar.
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Does anybody know how to catch a Polar Bear
Well first you dig a hole in the ice, you sprinkle frozen peas around the hole in the ice. When the Polar Bear bends over to have a pea, you kick him in the ice hole. hotthirsty
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After recently partaking in a QLD gov survey to dicide on a state fossil emblem.
My pick was Obdurodon Dicksoni.
Due to a complete lack of maturity.
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I recently joined a nudist colony.
I found the first day to be the hardest.
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Driving down the highway.
Long awkward silence.
Me "So how do you determine if your being told a 'Dad joke'?
The Wife "Help me Jesus"!
Me "When it's apparent".
Long awkward silence.
Driving down the highway.
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I love my Camp Oven.
I think I may be Pan-sexual.
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My Grandfather's new girlfriend apparently is a twin.
Me "So Grandfather how do you tell them apart".
Grandfather "Well you see Mary always wears red fingernail polish and Bill has a penis".
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While standing in line, to pay for my fuel at the servo.
I suddenly broke out a cold sweat and felt this stabbing pain in my hip pocket.
Must be that latest pandemic swiping the world.
Car-owner virus.
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lol.. but so true
ok, you had me peeing myself at a couple of those....
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Driving down the highway.
Long a awkward silence.
Me " Did I tell you, I've recently released my own fragrance".
The Wife feverishly trying to wind down the window.
Long awkward silence.
Driving down the highway.
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This Woke nonsense must end.
Now apparently they're looking at making a man the new Queen.
To Soon?
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I learnt 2 things today.
1. I no longer look good standing naked in front of a mirror.
2. I'm no longer welcome at target.
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There's gold in Them/Their hills!
Great now even the bloody hills have pronouns.
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The great Lakes are apparently so polluted, that at a reasent fishing contest it was determined, 5/5 walleyes that were tested were found to contain up to 1/5 their body wieght in lead.
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How many things in life does this apply to?
(https://aussielapidaryforum.com/forum/gallery/9/medium_112303-111022110056.jpeg) (https://aussielapidaryforum.com/forum/index.php?action=gallery;sa=view;id=9834)
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There used to be a story about a University / College builder in America who would quote the whole job, buildings and landscaping.
After completing the buildings, his landscaping consisted entirely of lawn.
He would come back after a year to 18 months and design his gardens around the pedestrian trails left in the lawns.
Makes sense to me.
Ghost.
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There used to be a story about a University / College builder in America who would quote the whole job, buildings and landscaping.
After completing the buildings, his landscaping consisted entirely of lawn.
He would come back after a year to 18 months and design his gardens around the pedestrian trails left in the lawns.
Makes sense to me.
Ghost.
Makes perfect sense to me, too. Would be worth covertly observing the College students in real time also, for even more information or ideas.
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A Russian soldier ran up to a nun, out of breath, he asked, Please may I hide under your skirt, I’ll explain later he said. The nun agreed. A moment later two military police ran up and asked. “Sister have you seen a soldier” The nun replied, he went that way. After the military police ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can’t thank you enough, Sister, you see I don’t want to go to Ukraine. The nun said “I understand completely” The soldier added, “I hope I’m not rude but you have a great pair of legs! The nun replied, “if you looked a little higher, you would’ve seen a great pair of balls too. I don’t want to go to Ukraine either. 😂😂
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Driving down the hiway.
Long awkward silence.
On the Wife's birthday.
Suddenly I braked hard and careened off the road into an orchard.
There we sat for hours, looking at the fruit trees.
It was pretty boring, but at least she got her, apple watch.
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Driving down the hiway.
Long awkward silence.
The Wife " Do you know any Irish words"?
Me "Whale...Oil...Beef...Hooked"!
The Wife " Whale oil beef hooked"!
Me " To be sure, to be sure".
Long awkward silence.
Driving down the hiway.
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Rat going into the outdoor dunny.
Sniff sniff….pew it stinks in here.
Sounds like someone coming, need to hide down this hole.
Oh… it’s gone all dark.
Hello what’s this.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.
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Three nuns die and go to heaven, they meet St Peter at the Pearly Gates and St Peter says to the first nun. "You make only enter if you get my question right, can you tell me what was the name of the first woman?" The nun says, "Eve" St Peter opens the gates and say, "Correct you may enter". He turns to the second nun and say I will ask you a question and if you get it right you may enter, he says to the nun where did Eve life?" the nun replied, "The garden of Eden" St Peter said you may enter. He then turned to the third nun and says to her, "You are the Mother Superior and I will have to ask you a more technical question, very well he says, what did Eve say the first time she say Adam naked", the Mother Superior says, "Oh my God thats a hard one!" St Peter says,"Correct you may enter" hotthirsty
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A new ALF login verification method is to be implemented in 2024:
(https://aussielapidaryforum.com/forum/gallery/10/medium_112303-010224111003.jpeg) (https://aussielapidaryforum.com/forum/index.php?action=gallery;sa=view;id=10053)
p.s. Thanks JBK for the loan of your image!
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All good😊👍, lol, I may have problem finding Topaz