Joke of the Day

[Gearloose]

The farmer was having his supper, when there was a knock on the door.  He looked out and saw a Porsche in the driveway, and some city guy standing there holding a pail.
" I was driving by, and saw some milkweed growing in the field.  Do you mind if I got some milk?"
The farmer tried not to laugh, and said, 'Sure!  Go ahead and get some", and when the guy left he died laughing,.  There was a knock on the door, and the city guy was standing there with a pail of milk.."I just wanted to thank you!".
The farmer smiled, and scratched his head, puzzled.
About a week later, the city guy was at the door, holding a little pot.."I saw some honeysuckle growing there on the fance...Mind if I get some honey?"
"Sure (chuckle) Go ahead!"
Later, there was a knock, the guy was standing there with a pot full of honey, thanking him again.  The farmer was puzzled, but in a few days forgot about it.

The next weekend, there was a knock on the door.

"Down by the creek, I see some pussy willow..."

''"I'll get my coat..."

...

[mehoose]

PMSL, worth the wait to see you again Loose. 

[tinker]

 

[Bluey Zarzoff]

I had better go and find some Salvation Jane after that one

[Tripz]

YUNG CHOW DICK calls into work and say`s ``hey,I no come work today I sick, headache cramps no come to work....

Boss says, you know somethin yung dick I really need you today,
look when I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me lot`s of sex, that`s makes everything better and then I go to work. TRY THAT

2 hours later Yung Chow calls the boss again and says I do feel much better, but I can`t get over what a great house you have boss....

[Gearloose]

The local police chief kept pushing the idea of a new GPS system that linked to the cruisers' radios.  He explained it as a "safety feature", but all the cops knew he was really more interested in monitoring the Donut Shop time.  Against objections, the system was installed.  There was a lot of grumbling, until the Chief came into the break room hearing everyone laughing.
"Hey,  Chief.
- Murphy's at YOUR house!"

[oldlrnut]

Hahahahah. Very funny both of them

[mehoose]

Garage Door

    The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

    As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

    He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

    She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tyres..

[Fullerton]

I can see a bad pattern developing here lately ...

But they are funny 

[Gearloose]

Posted this on GO last Spring:

HIS AND HER DIARY FOR THE SAME DAY:

Her Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.



His Diary:



Boat wouldn't start, can't figure out why.

[Fullerton]

That's funny. Totally understandable. 

[mehoose]

And so TRUE! Haha!

[Gearloose]

A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's' birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the  counter.  A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She
says, "Excuse me, sir.  Can you tell me anything about this rod and  reel?"
 
He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."
 
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
 
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
 
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her  credit card drops on the floor.
 
"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.
 
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is  really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
 
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
 
He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50."
 

[tinker]

GREAT TRUTHS.

That Little Children Have Learned:

1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
2. When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4. Never ask your 3 - year old brother to hold a tomato.
5. You can't trust dogs to watch your dinner.
6. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7. Never hold a Dust - Buster and a cat at the same time.
8. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9. Don't wear polka-dot undies, under white shorts.
10.The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's Knee

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1. Raising teenagers is like nailing Jelly to a tree.
2. Wrinkles don't hurt.
3. Families are like fudge.....mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4. Today's oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5. Laughing is good exercise.  It's like jogging on the inside.
6. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not for the toy inside.

GREAT TRUTHS OF GROWING OLD

1. Growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional
2. Forget the health food.  I need all the preservatives I can get.
3. When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do whilst your down there.
4. Your getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5. Its frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6. Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7. Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.


(And remember folks, "Old Age and Cunning, beats youth and agility.)     

[mehoose]

Aha, like em both.