Joke of the Day

[Gearloose]

A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door.

A boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.

"No, they went to town" said the boy.
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" asked the farmer.

"No, he went with Mom and Dad" the boy answered.
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to

the other, and mumbling to himself.
"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can
give Dad a message" said the boy.

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".

The boy thought for a moment...
"You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

[Hunter V]

ahhh a good way to start the day with a bit of a giggles.
thanks gearloose

[Butts]

Totally Politically Incorrect


The Cowboy
 A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
 She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
 Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
 She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
 He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand,
 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.'
 The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
 One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
 She quietly called him over to her.
 'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said.
 Trembling, he did as she directed.
 'Now take off my boots.'
 
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
 
'Now take off my socks.'
 
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
 
'Now take off my skirt.'
 He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
 
'Now take off my bra.'
 Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
 
Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'

[Reubajam]

I liked this one... 

SALES TIPS #1

Customer : How much is that tie?
Salesman : Forty dollars.
Customer : Why, I can buy a pair of shoes with that much money.
Salesman : But how would a pair of shoes look around your neck.

[Bluey Zarzoff]

The Fence repair

 Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at Government House. One is from Cabramatta, another is from Marrickville, and the third is from Lane Cove. All three go with an official to examine the fence.

 The Cabramatta contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900, $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

 The Marrickville contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. That's $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

 The Lane Cove contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the government official and whispers, "$2,700."

 The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys. How did you come up with such a high figure?"

 The Lane Cove contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Marrickville to fix the fence."

 "Done!" replies the government official. And that, my fellow tax payers, is how a Government Stimulus plan works.

[steveo]

Bluey, can I borrow that joke?  Real close to home.

[Bluey Zarzoff]

Bluey, can I borrow that joke?  Real close to home.

All yours. I have borrowed it anyway.

[chookie2]

Old one....for the newbies.

During a heated discussion Opal screamed at Amber, telling her that not
only was she not a jewel but she wasn't even a mineral.

"Is that so," Amber snorted, stating flatly that Opal had no cleavage.

"Perhaps so," replied Opal, "but at least I'm not just organic ooze with
bugs - I'm pristine, white, and smooth."

"That's tuff," said Amber.

Some jokes just fluorite over my head

[Klingon]

....stay tuned for the next Epidote....

[Bucket]

Tbat one pops up peridotily...

[Bluey Zarzoff]

That was a gem.

[Klingon]

...you guys are a Beryl of laughs....

[Fullerton]

That joke, iolite it a lot. Seems to me it was a diamond in the rough ...  

[Bucket]

Of quartz it is...

[Bluey Zarzoff]

If people don't stop making fun then I will chuck a tantalum.

Hey, after Zeo went on a diet, we were able to call her zeolite.